Tone: crude

Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 12 Pickup Lines at the Masturbate-a-Thon

    The Top 12 Pickup Lines Used at the Masturbate-a-Thon

    12. “Doesn’t it seem strange to be doing this? I mean, without a keyboard in front of you?”

    11. “So, I hear you’re looking for a colossal jerk.”

    10. “Excuse me — I could use a hand over here.”

    9. “Doubles, anyone?”

    8. “So what time do you get off?”

    7. “This reminds me of Hands Across America. Only slimier.”

    6. “Are you finished with that?”

    5. “Good choice! The SuperSchlong 6000 was a Consumer Reports Best Buy.”

    4. “This is just a microcosm of life… oh, sorry about that — I’m waxing philosophical.”

    3. “Hello, handsome! I will be your father figure….”

    2. “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”

    1. “Can you help me out? I’m blind — and extremely confused right now.”

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  • Spice Girls Robots

    A young boy was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared the dinner in the kitchen. After a while, the kid wanders into the kitchen and asks, “Mummy, are the Spice Girls robots?”

    His mother replies, “No, dear, they aren’t. Why do you ask?”

    “Well, daddy just said that he’d like to screw the arse off the black one.”

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  • Head in the Fence

    This guy is driving through California and picks up a hitchhiker. They continue down the road until they come upon a sheep with its head caught in the fence. The driver, overcome with emotion, pulls off the road and says, “Oh, I can’t just drive past without doing something about this… I’ll be right back.”

    He gets out of the car, goes up to the sheep, and starts fucking it from behind. When done, he walks back to the car and gets in.

    The California guy goes, “Damn! I’ve never seen anything like that.”

    The driver says, “You ought to try it, it’s fantastic.”

    The California guy goes, “…Yea, it did look like a lot of fun, what the hell, I’ll do it!”

    He gets out of the car, walks over to the fence, and sticks his head through it.

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  • Hurts Doesnt It

    A married guy was out getting a little “strange stuff” when he suffered a massive heart attack and died. The undertaker called his wife as he was preparing the body, saying, “Your late husband died with a tremendous erection that we can’t get to go away… What would you like us to do?”

    To which she replied, “Somehow, that doesn’t surprise me… Cut it off and stuff it in his ass.”

    When she went to view the body she noticed a somewhat pained expression on her deceased husband’s face as he lay in the casket. Bending over him she said softly, “Hurts, doesn’t it?”

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  • The Dead Frog

    This kid walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. The kid walks up to the Madame and says that he wants a girl.

    The Madame says to the kid, “Sorry… You are too young.”

    The kid promptly puts a $100 bill on the counter and the Madame says, “One girl coming right up…”

    As the Madame starts walking away the kid says, “Hold on a minute… I need a girl with active herpes.”

    The Madame says, “Sorry kid… All my girls are clean.”

    The kid promptly places another $100 bill on the table and the Madame says, “One dirty lady coming right up!!!”

    The kid goes upstairs, fucks the girl, and when he comes back down the Madame can’t help but ask, “Why did you want a girl with active herpes?”

    The kid replied, “You see… it goes like this… I went up, fucked that girl and got the herpes. I’ll go home and my babysitter will be there and I’ll fuck my babysitter and she’ll get the herpes. Then my dad will come home and take the babysitter home and fuck the babysitter and he’ll get the herpes. Then he’ll come home and fuck my mum and SHE’LL get the herpes. Tomorrow morning my dad will go to work at 8 AM. At nine the milkman comes… and HE’S the bastard that killed my frog!!!!!”

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  • Catch a Coyote at His Age

    This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.

    “Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town bar.

    “It figures,” she says as she storms inside.

    The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking off.

    She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink. “What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal… and then… I come in here… and see this old man in the corner jacking off right in public!”

    “Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “You don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

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  • Room 319

    A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.

    He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.

    “Oh man, that’s fuckin nasty!” he thought, but he said nothing and continued. Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

    “Christ! I can’t take this much more. There’s something wrong with this bitch.” But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no longer.

    “Fuck! I can’t do this anymore! I’m gonna throw up!”

    “That’s funny,” the hooker said, “That’s what the last guy did.”

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  • Long Ass Day

    Long Ass Day

    IT WAS A LONG ASS DAY

  • Dick In Box

    Dick In Box

    Why women hate checking their private messages…

    Who put a dick in this box?

  • Dog Sniffing Girl

    Dog Sniffing Girl

    when you run into the dog thats been sniffing up yo girl ass