Tone: crude

Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Woman BJ Etiquette Rules and Mens Response

    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men’s Response)

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.

    3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.

    4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.

    5. My ears are NOT handles.

    6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on you?

    7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

    8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.

    9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls! If you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get B. J. often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

    Man’s reply to Woman’s B. J. Etiquette

    1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

    3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?

    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it & be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.

    5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won’t have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth…because you won’t have any.

    6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the smell off your breath we would stick around afterward.

    7. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.

    8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

    9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

    10. At least there is no danger of bleeding in your mouth.

    11. Play with the balls.

    12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.

    13. B. Js are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

    14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.

    15. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.

    16. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • You Know Youre a Whore When

    You Know You’re a Whore When……

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
    2. Arsenio touches your knee.
    3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
    4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
    5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
    6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
    7. The EPA comes looking for you.
    8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
    9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
    10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
    11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
    12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
    13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
    14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
    15. When they change your # to 976.
    16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
    17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
    18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
    19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
    20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
    21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
    22. When you get haemorrhoids on your shoulders.
    23. When getting dressed is not part of your day.
    24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
    25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
    26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
    27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
    28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
    29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
    30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
    31. On the golf course, you’re afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
    32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
    33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
    34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
    35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
    36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
    37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
    38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
    39. When sunlight scares you.
    40. When your favourite quote is “next please”.
    41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
    42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
    43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
    44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
    45. When everyone refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
    46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
    47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
    48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
    49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
    50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
    51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”.
    52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
    53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
    54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
    55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
    56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
    57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
    58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
    59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
    60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail
  • Sex Calories 5 Miles

    Sex Calories 5 Miles

    DURING SEX YOU BURN AS MUCH CALORIES AS RUNNING FOR 5 MILES.

    WHO THE FUCK RUNS 5 MILES IN 30 SECONDS?

  • Anal Lube

    Anal Lube

    Always check there’s no “Anal lube” in your photo before posting it on the internet!

  • Wisdom Teeth Dicks

    Wisdom Teeth Dicks

    siouxchiefsouschef @legitwidget

    overheard one kid at the Mall of America tell his friends he had to get his wisdom teeth out and his friend says “why? gotta make room for more dicks?” and wow insults have really come a long way since I was a kid

  • Damned If I Know

    The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

    “It’s a period” reported Johnnie.

    “Well I can see that” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”

    “Damned if I know” said Johnnie, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy shit, Momma fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Better Get a Model That Gets Better Mileage

    Little Johnny catches his parents shagging one afternoon. He yells in, “Hey, Pop! What are you doin’?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    His father says, “Son, I’m filling your mother’s tank.”

    Johnny says, “Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • She Can Only Fasten 8

    The teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”

    Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Ive Never Seen a Smaller Dick in My Life

    A man goes to a urologist.

    Urologist: “Sir, please take off your pants and underpants”.

    The man does so.

    Urologist: “I’m warning you, this is going to hurt”.

    The man says that he’s ready.

    Urologist, laughing: “I’ve never seen a smaller dick in my life!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail
  • First Football Game Sex

    First Football Game Sex

    MY FIRST HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL GAME WAS A LOT LIKE THE FIRST TIME I HAD SEX

    I WAS BLOODY AND SORE BUT AT LEAST MY DAD CAME