How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well, I know it’s more than six because my basement is still dark.
Tone: dark humor
Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Farmer’s New Cock
A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock screws all 150 hens again.
The next day it’s fucking the ducks and geese too. Later he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead.
The farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up, and says, “Shhhhhh. They’re about to land!!”
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Dinner with the Girlfriend’s Parents
A man is invited to his girlfriend’s home for dinner to meet her family. He purchases a motorcycle the day of the dinner for an amazingly low price. The man selling the motorcycle throws in a free tub of Vaseline with the purchase. He tells the buyer that he is selling it for such a low price because this particular motorcycle can’t have a wet carburetor. The moment there is a hint of rain, it must be covered in Vaseline. The buyer agrees and can’t wait to show up at his girlfriend’s parents’ home riding a motorcycle.
She warns him that her family has an unusual dinner tradition: the first person to speak must do all the dishes. He thinks it’s odd but agrees to the dinner.
He drives up to the house and puts the tub of Vaseline in his pocket and goes to the door. His girlfriend opens the door and whispers to him that dinner has already begun and he must remain silent or else do all of the dishes. He walks past the kitchen and sees what looks like a week of dirty dishes piled up. He certainly is not going to speak first and be stuck with that mess.
He sits down and sees a family eating dinner with their heads down, eating in complete silence. He decides he can get someone to speak. He throws his girlfriend on the dinner table and has his way with her. Nobody even looks up.
He then throws the mother on the table and has his way with her. Again, nobody even looks up from their plate.
Just then, a loud clap of thunder rattles the house. Remembering about the motorcycle, the boyfriend reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tub of Vaseline.
The father stands up and says, “Okay, I’ll do the dishes!”
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The Unused Christmas Gift
At Christmas, a man just opened presents from his mother-in-law and she asks, “Where’s mine?”
He says, “I didn’t get you anything this year.”
Visibly upset, she asks why.
He says, “You never used what I got you last year.”
She yelled, “IT WAS A BURIAL PLOT!”
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The Slow Foursome on the Golf Course
A priest, a doctor, and a golfer are waiting at a tee while a painfully slow group plays ahead of them.
After watching them take forever, the golfer finally explodes:
“What is wrong with these guys?! They’re terrible!”
The caddy nearby says,
“Oh, you didn’t hear? That group is made up of firefighters who lost their sight saving people from a burning building. They play once a week.”
The priest bows his head and says,
“That’s so tragic… I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor says,
“I know a specialist who might be able to help restore some vision.”
The golfer pauses, then says…
“Why can’t they just play at night?”
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The Italian Souvenir
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you, honey,” she says. “Is there anything I can bring back for you?” He laughs and says, “An Italian girl.”
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?” he asks.
Confused, she replies, “Which present?”
“The one I asked for, the Italian girl,” he answers.
With a sly grin, she replies, “Oh, that. I did what I could, but we’ll just have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”
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The Doctor’s Good News
A guy’s mother-in-law comes to live with him…
One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.
The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.
The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad news.”
The guy says, “Alright, give me the bad news first.”
The doctor says, “Your mother-in-law is not going to die. She had a massive stroke, but she is probably going to live another 20-30 years. The problem is the stroke has rendered her unable to speak. She just makes this horrible screeching noise like a parrot now. It has also disabled her ability to use her arms. For the next 20-30 years you are going to have to feed her baby food 3 times a day. Also, it’s made her incontinent, so you’re going to have to change her diapers and clean her up every single day for the next 20-30 years.”
“Oh my gosh,” the guy said. “What’s the good news?”
The doctor chuckles and goes, “I’m just kidding with you… she died.”
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The Husband Who Cried the Most
A bus full of housewives on a picnic trip tragically veered off a bridge and fell into a river. All the wives passed away…
Each husband cried for a week, except for one, who kept crying for more than two weeks!
When asked why he was so devastated, he replied miserably: “My wife missed the bus!”
