Ray Charles, absolutely crushing it, just aimed at the back of the venue instead of the front. The crowd is behind you, legend.
Tone: dark
Dark jokes, grim memes, and humor with the lights off and the judgment missing from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Greatest Headline of Our Generation
A Tumblr hall-of-famer: suicidal trip to Mexico pivots hard into a week-long coke and hookers bender, and the patient decides life might be worth sticking around for after all. Poetry.
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A Bulldog Eating Mayonnaise
A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?”
The dad asked him, “Before or after sex?”
“Ummm, before sex,” the kid replied.
The dad said, “Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?”
“Yeah,” said the son. “Well, what about after sex?”
His dad replied, “Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?”
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Monday Sickness: A Suspicious Pattern
The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his new boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss excuses him.
The man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.
The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. “I’m sick,” he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.
Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.
The following Monday, he calls his boss again. “I’m sick.” Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man in to talk on Tuesday.
Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office. “What gives?” asks the boss. “I can see you’re a hard worker, but you’ve only been here three weeks and you’ve called in sick every Monday.”
The man says, “Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another, and we end up having sex all day long.”
“Your sister!” says the boss. “That’s disgusting.”
The man says, “I told you I was sick.”
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Yellow French’s
If Saddam Hussein ever kills me with mustard gas, I hope it’s the yellow French’s kind, and not that brown Dijon stuff. I always hated that foo-foo gourmet crap.
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Best-Selling Children’s Author
If I were a best-selling children’s author, I’d write a book about how these cool little kids and their cute woodland friends made Santa very happy by taking all the money out of Mommy’s wallet and mailing it to my PO Box.
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Nothing Gets Done Between 7 and 10
A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” asked the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a Marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for two years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 a.m.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 a.m. but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
