Tone: dark

Dark jokes, grim memes, and humor with the lights off and the judgment missing from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Death by Unga Bunga

    Three explorers crash-land their plane on an uncharted tropical island. The isolationist islanders promptly capture the three survivors and put them on trial for trespassing. Surprisingly, the grand chief of the island speaks broken English.

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    “You break harmony on our land,” he says. “There are two punishments for this offense: death, or unga bunga. Choose.” The chief points at the first explorer.

    The first guy chooses unga bunga, because what could be worse than death? Then three islanders step out and drop their loincloths to reveal porn-sized penises. The three islanders then fuck the explorer six ways from Sunday. Once the islanders are spent, the explorer is released.

    The chief then points to the second explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    The second explorer weighs his options. After an excruciating exchange in his own head, he meekly replies, “Unga bunga.”

    Three more islanders drop their loincloths, their penises even bigger than the ones before. They have their way with the second explorer and then release him.

    The chief points at the third explorer. “Choose,” he says.

    “Death,” the explorer replies.

    The chief scratches his chin and reflects. “No one ever choose death before… Death by unga bunga!”

  • I Just Got That Puppy

    I Just Got That Puppy

    When your dad shows you how to properly kill and skin an animal.

    I just got that puppy…

  • Divorce Courtney Love

    Divorce Courtney Love

    That face you make when you try to divorce Courtney Love

  • The Top 14 October Surprises

    14. A final, no-holds-barred presidential debate is hastily scheduled by the producers of “American Gladiators.”

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    13. Supreme Court opens their new session by replacing “yea” or “nay” with “left” or “right.”

    12. Donald Trump provides incontrovertible proof that he’s not a Russian spy by revealing that he’s a Chinese spy.

    11. Bill already advertising for interns on Craigslist.

    10. The pumpkin spice craze is a secret chemical warfare plot concocted by Donald Trump to turn the entire world orange.

    9. Ronald Reagan rises from the dead, just to show that he can.

    8. Hillary’s server full of e-mails advocating “grabbing Bernie by the droopy balls.”

    7. Oddly enough, Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction has had a Hillary figure ready to go since 1996.

    6. Hearing a 9-year-old tell a 7-year-old his costume is culturally insensitive.

    5. The press rebrands the Affordable Care Act as the Holy-Cow-Talk-About-Sticker-Shock Care Act.

    4. Scientists discover that Trump’s hair is a living creature that controls the empty puppet underneath.

    3. Anthony Weiner: the dick that keeps on giving.

    2. E-mail discovered on Anthony Weiner’s computer reveals that his birth name was Anthony Vajayjay.

    1. Not a soul has come from the future to put a stop to this madness.

  • Turning Point USA Irony

    Turning Point USA Irony

    Turning Point USA was founded in 2012 by Charlie Kirk and Bill Montgomery.

    Two of their major policy pushes were a more prominent gun culture and zero COVID restrictions.

    Bill Montgomery died to the COVID virus.

    Charlie Kirk died to gun violence.

  • The Pumpkin Patch

    Recently, a female sheriff’s deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night.

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    The next day, at the Gwinnett County (Georgia) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication.

    The suspect explained he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around,” he stated.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “Guess I was really into it, y’know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff’s car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him. “It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said Deputy Taylor. “I walked up to Lawrence and he’s just humping away at this pumpkin.”

    Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I said, ‘Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you’re having sex with a pumpkin?’”

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, “A pumpkin? Shit… is it midnight already?”

  • Mesothelioma You or a Loved One

    Mesothelioma You or a Loved One

    evilmilk.com

    Mesothelioma

    You or a loved one

  • The Miracle Cure

    A man sits by his wife’s bed in the oncology ward. She has Stage IV throat cancer, and the prognosis is dark. She’s scheduled for a radical, life-saving surgery the next morning, but the doctors have been blunt: they have to remove a significant portion of her throat and vocal cords. She will never speak, swallow, or use her throat the same way again.

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    She looks at her husband, her voice a raspy silver. “I want to do something for you,” she whispers. “One last time, while I still can. I want to give you oral sex.”

    The husband is taken aback. “Honey, no. You’re weak, you’re in pain… we don’t have to do that.” But she insists. She tells him it’s the only way she can feel like a “whole woman” before the surgery changes her forever. She begs him until he finally, reluctantly, agrees. It is a quiet, bittersweet, and incredibly emotional moment in the dim hospital light.

    The next morning, she is wheeled into surgery. The husband sits in the waiting room, bracing for a ten-hour ordeal. But after barely an hour, the lead surgeon walks out into the waiting area.

    The man’s heart sinks into his stomach. He stands up, trembling, his voice breaking. “Is she… is she gone? Did I lose her?”

    “No, no,” the surgeon says, looking like he’s seen a ghost. “We didn’t even pick up the scalpel. We did a final localized scan to map the margins, and the tumors… they’re just gone. There isn’t a single malignant cell left in her throat.”

    The surgeon asks if the husband had any possible explanation, anything at all to do with the woman’s throat. Though it’s embarrassing, the man tells the surgeon about what his wife did for him the night before the surgery. It’s the only thing he can think of.

    A week of tests follows. The hospital’s research team eventually brings the couple into a private office. “Sir, we’ve discovered something miraculous. Your body produces a rare, localized enzyme. When it makes contact with cancerous tissue, it triggers immediate, total cellular necrosis. You are a walking, biological cure.”

    The doctor sighs, looking at his notes. “We’re going to try to synthesize it, but the molecular structure is volatile and it seems to be more complex than we understand, because your sperm isn’t nearly as effective in lab conditions. It’s going to take us months, maybe years, to replicate this effect without the… direct involvement of your penis. But your wife is fully cured, and this could save millions more in the future.”

    The wife is beside herself with joy, clutching the husband’s hand. But the husband is staring at the floor, his face turning a sickly shade of grey.

    “Honey?” she asks, her voice now perfectly clear. “What is it? This is a miracle!”

    The husband looks up, his eyes filled with a thousand-yard stare.

    “My father called this morning… he was just diagnosed with Stage IV rectal cancer.”

  • The Morgue

    A man got fired from his job for having sex during work hours. When his boss asked why he did it, the man replied, “I don’t know man, she was just lying there naked. I kinda got the hint so we fucked.”

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    He was never hired at another morgue again.

  • Fish Swim in Schools

    Fish Swim in Schools

    WHEN AMERICANS DISCOVER FISH SWIM IN SCHOOLS

    GIF