My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused to eat, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.
After that, we never played Monopoly with him again.
Tone: dark
Dark jokes, grim memes, and humor with the lights off and the judgment missing from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Assassin’s Rate
So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”
“Yup.”
“What if you miss?”
He looks at the man, deadly serious. “I don’t miss…”
“Okay, well, I’ve got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They’re at the motel together right now.”
“Let’s go,” the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
“They’re in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off.”
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
“Well? What are you waiting for!?” the husband asks.
“Hold on a minute,” said the assassin. “I think I can save you 10K.”
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At Confession
Girl: “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done, my child?”
Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”
Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”
Girl: “Because he touched my hand.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)
Girl: “Yes, Father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he touched my breast.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast)
Girl: “Yes, Father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, Father.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: “Yes, Father.”
Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.”
Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!”
Priest: (after a few minutes) “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.”
Girl: “But Father, he had AIDS!”
Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
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Godzilla Attacks the City
RUN! GODZILLA'S ATTACKING THE CITY!!!
RELAX, HE’S ONLY KILLED 4000 PEOPLE. THE FLU KILLS OVER 25,000 EVERY YEAR!
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Week Two of the Lockdown
As we end week 2 of the lockdown, I've been thinking about Osama Bin Laden. He was stuck in his house with three wives for five years. I'm beginning to wonder if he called in those Navy Seals himself.
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At the Twin Towers
When you are minding your own business in your office at the twin towers and your phone suddenly connects to the airplane wi-fi:
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After the Baptism
When the ceremony's been over for hours and you remember you didn't take the baby out of the water after the baptism.
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Bob Ross’s Paintings
what if Bob Ross was a serial killer and his paintings are the locations of where he hid the bodies
