Tone: darkly humorous

Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Top 15 Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties

    15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”

    14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”

    13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”

    12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
    “Me? I thought you were supposed to!”

    11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”

    10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”

    9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”

    8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”

    7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”

    6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”

    5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”

    4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”

    3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”

    2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”

    1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • It’s Friday

    Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

    “Aye, so I have. ’Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called ‘Happy Hour’ and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o’ those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o’ course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness — couldn’t be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later…”

    And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

    The officer sighed and said, “Sir, I’m afraid I’ll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.”

    Indignantly, the man said, “Why? Don’t ye believe me?!?”

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  • Signs You’ve Had Enough to Drink

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

    Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    You fall off the floor…

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!

    Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.

    At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

    Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

    You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

    You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women (or Men).

    Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more and more attractive.

    Roseanne looks good.

    Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

    That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

    Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    I’m as jober as a sudge.

    The shrubbery’s drunk from too frequent watering.

    You wake up screaming “TORO, TORO, TORO!” in the middle of the night.

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  • The Top 15 Rejected Cocktail Names

    15. Harvey Ballbuster

    14. Gin & Colonic

    13. Slow Uncomfortable Spew

    12. Scabby Mary

    11. Sullen Masturbation on the Beach

    10. Wrung-Out Bar Rag on the Rocks with a Twist

    9. Bloody Navel

    8. Blatant Reference to Sexual Activity

    7. The Slutmaker

    6. Sloe Comfortable Screw Up Against a Wall in Cancun Next to a Fat Dude Named Ramon Who Keeps Flicking Matches at Some Kids Poking a Dead Rat with a Stick They Found Underneath a ’57 T-Bird with a Dead Prostitute in the Trunk

    5. Long Island Iced Pee

    4. Screaming Hangover

    3. Buttery Pimple

    2. Elian on the Beach

    1. Sex with Your Wife

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2001 by Chris White

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  • The Top 13 Rejected Steps in 12-Step Programs

    13. Whenever the urge to submit to your addiction strikes, sing Barney songs until pummeled beyond recognition.

    12. Humbly ask God to remove all character flaws and about five inches from our thighs, hips and buttocks.

    11. Toast to your success!

    10. Blame the friggin’ wife for spending all my hard-earned money, for chrissake!

    9. First step: Ask her out and treat her like a lady.

    8. Do a shot of tequila every time someone says “codependent.”

    7. First, you must admit to everyone you know that you have “this friend” who has a problem.

    6. Come clean about that Chappaquiddick thing, for cryin’ out loud.

    5. Put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.

    4. Admit that feng shui cannot in any way compensate for daily physiological counseling.

    3. Give yourself over to a higher power — but first, take off all your clothes and have a seat in the Oval Office.

    2. Steps five through seven: Lick it, suck it, slam it.

    1. Complete the program by standing in front of your support group and shouting, “I’m cured, you bunch of losers!”

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  • More Signs You May Have a Drinking Problem

    You fall off the floor quite often.

    The whole bar says ‘Hi’ when you come in…

    Hangovers have become an alternative lifestyle.

    Bill & Hillary Clinton are starting to make sense.

    You lose most of the arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have a “Reserved Parking” space at your liquor store.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    You don’t recognize people unless seen through the bottom of a glass.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    You think the four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol & Women.

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  • The Top 14 TopFive.com Happy Hour Rules

    14. Management reserves the right to beat senseless anyone suggesting we get a karaoke machine.

    13. No stirring someone else’s drink with your buffalo wing bones.

    12. True happiness only. Satisfaction, beatitude, and gruntlement are not acceptable.

    11. Friday drink special: $2 “Sex Out Of Reach” shots.

    10. Make sure your Secret Service henchmen hide your empties from Laura.

    9. Anyone who’s not happy will be beaten with pool cues until they become happy.

    8. When falling off your chair, do not block aisles to the jukebox or restroom.

    7. We welcome our NRA and Girl Scout drinking buddies!

    6. Strict five-drink limit means somewhere around twelve to fifteen drinks.

    5. Absolutely no Sally Struthers.

    4. Good bar trick: Tying a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue.
    Bad bar trick: Unzipping your pants using only your tongue.

    3. Designated drivers drink free all night!

    2. Calculating the value of pi on your cocktail napkin beyond thirty-two decimal places won’t leave room to write the phone number of the girl you’re trying to impre— Hey! Where’d she go?

    1. Confusing, hard-to-read signs on the restroom doors to be replaced with schematics of appropriate genitalia.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2001 by Chris White

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  • Top 56 Signs That You Have a Drinking Problem

    You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

    You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

    Job interfering with your drinking.

    Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

    Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

    The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

    Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.

    Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!

    Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!

    “Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.

    You can focus better with one eye closed.

    The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

    Every woman you see has an exact twin.

    You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.

    You keep asking your wife “where are the kids?” but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.

    You fall off the floor.

    You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.

    Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

    Had your “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”

    Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!

    Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.

    The glass keeps missing your mouth.

    Bob Dole starts to make sense.

    When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof.

    Vampires get woozy after biting you.

    The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.

    At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”

    Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.

    When vomiting becomes a relief.

    Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk — left, right, stumble, fall.

    You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.

    Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!

    You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.

    Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.

    Hi occifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.

    Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.

    No occifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober.

    Problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down… no problem.

    If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.

    Take me drunk, I’m home!

    The bottle’s empty… that’s the problem!

    You find yourself as the captain of the Exxon Valdez.

    You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.

    Roseanne looks good.

    Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.

    You drink to get over a hangover.

    That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

    You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.

    The whisky ain’t working anymore.

    Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

    You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.

    I’m as jober as a sudge!

    You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!

    I slept with that damned pink elephant again.

    Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.

    Newt Gingrich… he’s soooo sexy.

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  • Pastor Fuzz

    The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.

    The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. “Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”

    “Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

    When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

    The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”

    The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.”

    The bartender nodded. “Well, if you’re that far you may as well finish.”

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  • Got a Dog Named Chunks

    A guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy, “Boy, I feel like shit today.”

    Buddy says, “What’s wrong?”

    Guy says, “Got drunk last night, went home and blew chunks.”

    Buddy says, “Nothing wrong with that.”

    Guy says, “Yes there is… Got a dog named Chunks.”

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