If I ever get another cat, it’s going to be a big one, like a tiger or a panther. That way, if he ever gets upset and viciously scratches me across my face, the bastard won’t be able to hide under the bed.
Tone: darkly humorous
Darkly humorous humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Came out of the closet
While the police are wrongly referring to it as an aborted attempt to rob a convenience store, I couldn’t be prouder that I finally came out of the closet with my pantyhose fetish.
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Check it off my list
If I ever get arrested for bouncing down my street naked on a pogo stick with a peacock feather in my ass, well, there’s something else I can check off my list of things to do before I die.
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A brick under the hood
Every time I lock my keys in the car, I’m thankful I had the uncommon foresight to keep a brick stashed under the hood.
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A lot of things changed
When my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot of things changed.
Like my name, my phone number, and my address. -
Don’t Worry, It’s Just the Drums!
The Drums, the Drums!
Two intrepid explorers are navigating up a remote river in Africa with the assistance of some native bearers.
The first night, around the fire, the sound of drums can be heard in the distance. The explorers are clearly discomfited by the sound, but the natives tell them to relax—it’s not a big deal.
The following night, the drums can be heard again, only much closer and louder. The explorers think this can’t be good and are visibly shaken. Again, the bearers tell them to calm down, that the drums are harmless.
The third night, the drums are louder still, and the explorers are barely keeping it together. Suddenly…the drums stop.
Now it is the bearers who are quaking, trembling in terror. When the explorers ask them the reason for this, the leader says, in a quavering voice,
“Very bad! When drums stop, bass solo begins!”
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Heavenly Rewards for Marital Honesty!
At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter is processing new entrants to heaven, but heaven is a fair distance away.
Peter asks the man at the front of the line, “How many times have you cheated on your wife?”
The man replies, “I have never cheated on my wife.”
St. Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Lamborghini,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the next man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Once, but I felt really guilty about it.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a Suzuki Sidekick,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Peter asks the third man in line the same question, and the man replies, “Oh, it’s not even funny how many times I cheated on my wife.”
Peter replies, “Okay, you get a motor scooter,” and the man drives off toward heaven in it.
Soon, the Suzuki Sidekick driver runs into the Lamborghini driver, who’s crying while pulled over to the side of the road. He asks what’s wrong, and the Lamborghini driver replies, “I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard!”
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We don’t want any kids
My wife and I have decided we don’t want any kids.
We’re going to tell them in the morning.
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It definitely wouldn’t be this one
I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.
He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”
Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”
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Businessman’s Unique Cravings: Homesick Humor
A businessman walks into a brothel.
He asks the lady working the front desk, “I’d like a room, and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, most boring-in-bed woman—and a ham sandwich.”
The receptionist looks at him, confused, and says, “For that price, we could get you our youngest, kindest, slimmest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings.”
The businessman replies, “Lady, you don’t understand. I’m homesick.”
