Humor humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
So a 104-year-old man is being interviewed on the news. The interviewer says, “You’re 104 years old, you walk a mile a day, your mind is still sharp, and you still take care of yourself in your own home. Tell me … What’s your secret?”
And the old man says, “I once blew a guy for a sandwich.”
I inherited an EpiPen from my grandfather. He wanted me to get it. That was his dying wish.
Weird, I know, I’m not even allergic.
I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Instead of screaming like his passengers!
Little Johnny refused to study math so his parents decided to put him in Catholic school and let the nuns fix the situation. Sure enough, Johnny came home after her very first day and went straight to his room to work on his math homework. Right after dinner, he went back to his room to study math, right up to bedtime. And even after bedtime, his parents found him working on math problems with a flashlight under his blanket.
The next morning, while Johnny was working on math problems over breakfast, his baffled parents asked him why his new school had changed his attitude towards math so quickly. He answered with a terrified whisper:
“When the nuns took us to chapel, I saw the guy they nailed to the plus sign…. I knew they weren’t joking around.”
A guy’s on the side of the highway changing a flat.
A patrol car pulls up. The officer steps out and says, “Sir, we received a report of an emergency…”
Before he can finish, another cruiser comes flying up from behind, speeding in the same direction. It slams on the brakes and skids in behind the first car. The second officer jumps out, a little out of breath. He takes one look around and says, “Oh… I thought…”
Suddenly, from the opposite side of the highway, a third cruiser whips a U-turn across the median, sirens blaring, and screeches to a stop.
The third officer jumps out and runs up. “Are there any left?”
The first two silently point at the spare tire. The third officer squints at it.
“We really need better descriptions from dispatch, this is not what I would call a donut emergency”
A Priest dies, and goes to heaven. In heaven he is given a small apartment, a modest budget to buy groceries and food, and a pass to ride on the Heaven Express bus company. However he keeps noticing a certain guy driving around heaven in a sports car, residing in the biggest mansion in heaven, eating at the finest heavenly restaurants, and given the royal treatment wherever he goes. The Priest starts to get jealous so he makes an appointmentto see God.
“What’s going on? “He asks God “Who is that guy who is treated like he’s the new Messiah?”
“Oh, that’s Kevin” Answers God,
“I don’t get it” says the Priest “Didn’t I love a good life in your service? Haven’t I been a true follower”
“Yes you have been” Says God “I couldn’t have asked for any more from you. You have been a perfect servant”
“So what makes Kevin so special. Why is he given everything on a silver platter?” asks the priest
“Kevin’s a lawyer” answer god
“so?”
“Well you see. We have thousands and thousands of Priests who made it up here. But Kevin’s the only lawyer”.
