Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
This morning my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose a moment, I didn’t waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, “Thanks!” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”
A young doctor moves to a small community to replace an older doctor who is retiring.
The older doctor suggests that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds so the community can get used to the new doctor.
At the first house, a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor says, “You’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on how much you’re eating and see if that helps.”
As they leave, the younger doctor says, “You didn’t even examine her! How did you come to that diagnosis so quickly?”
“Ah,” the older doctor replies. “You noticed I dropped my stethoscope? When I bent down to pick it up, I saw a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That’s probably what’s been making her sick.”
“Pretty clever,” the younger doctor says. “If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
At the next stop, they visit a younger woman who says she’s been feeling terribly run-down and just doesn’t have the energy she used to.
The young doctor nods and says, “You’ve probably been doing too much for the church. You should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they leave, the older doctor says, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is probably right, she’s very active in the church. But how did you arrive at it?”
“I did what you did,” the young doctor says. “I dropped my stethoscope, and when I bent down to pick it up, I noticed the pastor under the bed.”
One night, a little boy walked into his parents room after he’d woken from a nightmare.
When he opened the door, he saw his mother bouncing up and down on his father’s lap.
Confused, he quickly closed the door and went back to bed.
The next morning at breakfast after his father had left for work, the little boy asked his mother why she was bouncing on his dad last night.
A bit embarrassed and taken off guard, mum thought for a moment before answering, “Well, you know how daddy has a big belly? Sometimes I have to bounce on it to make it flatter.”
The little boy nodded, taking a mouthful of cereal before replying, “Well, I wouldn’t bother if I were you.”
“Why?” asked his mum, confused.
The boy finished his mouthful and told her, “Because every weekend when you go to visit grandma, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up again…”
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room…
The first kid asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born and couldn’t walk for a year.”
Three nuns die and all go to Heaven. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter appears.
“I will ask each of you one question,” he says. “You must answer correctly the first time, and you will be granted access to Heaven.”
Of course, they are all nervous, but the first nun steps up.
“Who was the first man created?” St. Peter asks.
“Easy, that was Adam,” the nun replies gleefully.
The gates open, music starts playing, and in she goes.
“Next,” says St. Peter, turning to the second nun, “who was the first woman created?”
“Eve, of course!” she replies.
The gates open, music starts playing, and she enters.
St. Peter then looks at the third nun and asks, “And what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
The third nun looks puzzled, but she’s determined to get into Heaven. She thinks and thinks, then finally mutters under her breath, “Boy… that’s a hard one.”
And the gates open, the music starts playing, and she walks into Heaven.
A judge is asking a husband why he wants a divorce.
Husband, “Your honor, every so often, my wife makes me peel garlic, chop onions, and wash dishes.”
Judge, “What’s the problem? Warm the garlic first, it peels easily. Put the onion in the fridge, no tears while chopping… I do this at least once a week. Soak the dishes for 10 minutes, they’ll clean themselves. I do this almost every day.”
Husband, “Got it! Your honor, I withdraw my case.”
Judge, “Why are you withdrawing?”
Husband, “Cause apparently, you’re worse off than I am.”
A blonde walked into an appliance store and told the clerk that she liked to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Very politely the clerk told her that the store didn’t service to blondes. She was just about to say something when she got an idea. She went home and dyed her hair black.
The very next day, she went to the store and told the same clerk she had talked to the day before, that she would like to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Then politely the clerk told her that he already told her the day before that the store didn’t service to blondes.
She looked surprised and asked him, how did you know I was the blonde from yesterday?
How did I know, the clerk said, ’cause that’s a microwave.
