Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking. Their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said the first, “but I could never do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asked the second.
“You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way – ‘Take a clean dish and….’”
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. “You’re running around with other women,” she charged.
“You’re being unreasonable,” Adam responded. “You’re the only woman on earth.”
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
“What do you think you’re doing?” Adam demanded.
“Counting your ribs,” said Eve.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she whispered in his ear.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”
A little girl runs out to the back-yard where her father is working, and asks him, “Daddy, what’s sex?”
So, her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs etc…. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams. He thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.
He describes masturbation, rape, pedophilia, homosexuality, sex toys, etc., etc. The girl is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge, and her father finally asks, “So what did you want to know about sex for?”
“Oh, mummy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs…”
A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, “Is your mother or father at home?”
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, “What do you think?”
Delta Airlines introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips.
Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
The results were mixed. On the positive side, 96% of the surveys were returned — by far the highest in the history of such surveys.
On the negative side, virtually all of the returned surveys contained only one short sentence: “What fucking trip???”
Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup. As he is being looked over, the doctor asks about his stuttering. After considerable effort, he was able to tell the doctor that it started shortly after reaching puberty. The doctor asks him to drop his pants and underwear, at which point he sees the patient has an exceptionally large member. The doctor picks it up and asks the man if he feels any better. The patient clearly replies with no stutter that he feels great. The doctor tells him the weight is putting stress on his diaphragm, making it hard to move air in and out of his lungs, causing the stutter. The doctor says he can correct the problem but will have to replace his manhood with a smaller but still functional penis. The guy agrees to have it done because he is tired of the looks and insults he gets from strangers.
A couple days later he storms into the doctor’s office and, with perfect diction, asks the doctor to give back his old penis or his girlfriend will leave him.
The doctor replies, “I-I-I-I’m s-s-s-so sorry. I-I-I c-c-ca-can-can’t do that.”
A guy develops a really bad infection on his penis. Like, seriously bad. He goes to multiple doctors, even the expensive ones, and they all tell him the same thing: it has to be amputated or the infection could spread and kill him. Eventually, he gives up and accepts his fate. Surgery is scheduled.
Then his cousin hears about it and says, “Wait, before you do that, you should try this famous oriental doctor. People swear by him.” Out of desperation, the guy goes.
He explains, “Doc, I’ve seen a lot of western doctors already. They all say it needs to be cut off before the infection spreads.”
The doctor nods, tells him to take off his pants, and starts examining everything very carefully. Feeling, pressing, lifting… full inspection.
After a while, the doctor smiles and says, “Good news!”
The guy lights up. “Really? So you don’t need to cut it off?”
The doctor waves his hand and says, “No, no. We are not like western doctors. They always cut, cut, cut… then charge, charge, charge!”
The guy is relieved. “So I’m safe?”
The doctor nods confidently. “Yes. No need to cut.”
The guy almost cries from happiness. “Thank you, Doc! So what’s the treatment?”
The doctor shrugs and says, “We wait two weeks.”
The guy pauses. “And then?”
The doctor smiles. “It fall off by itself.”
