Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Bald Bitches

    Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.

    Husband: Okay?

    Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.

    Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?

    Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.

    Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.

    Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.

    Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

  • The Jumping Table

    A man walked into a small-town antique store looking for a dining table.

    Right away, he spotted the perfect one and asked the owner how much it cost.

    “Two thousand dollars,” the owner said.

    “Two thousand? That’s outrageous!” the man replied.

    “Normally I’d agree,” said the owner, “but this isn’t an ordinary table. It has special powers.”

    “Special powers? Prove it,” the man said.

    The owner leaned over the table and asked, “How many floors are in this building?”

    The table suddenly hopped into the air four times.

    And sure enough, there were four floors.

    The man raised an eyebrow.

    “Alright,” he said, “ask it how much cash I’ve got in my wallet.”

    The owner asked the question.

    The table jumped eleven times.

    “That’s amazing!” the man said. “I’ve got two five-dollar bills and a single. That’s eleven dollars exactly. I’ll take it.”

    He paid the two thousand dollars, and the table was delivered the next day.

    While it was being set up, his buddy stopped by to see the new purchase.

    “It’s not just a table,” the man said proudly. “Watch this.”

    He cleared his throat and asked, “How much money does my wife have in her bank account?”

    The table went wild.

    It started bouncing up and down nonstop.

    Five minutes passed.

    Then ten.

    It was still going.

    The man stared in disbelief.

    “How on earth does she have that much money?” he muttered.

    Suddenly, the table gave one last violent jump.

    Its legs split apart.

    And the drawers dropped straight to the floor.

  • Bridge Out

    A priest and pastor are standing on the side of the road. They are holding a sign that reads, “The end is near! Turn around now before it’s too late!”

    A passing driver yells, “You guys are nuts!” And speeds past them.

    From around the corner they can hear screeching tires — then a big splash.

    The priest turns to the pastor and says, “Do you think we should just put a sign up that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

  • Lady Leave Me Alone Im Married

    Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

    He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

    He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

    Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So’s the rest of the house.

    He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

    So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

    His son is also at the table, eating.

    Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

    His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

    Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

    His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, ‘Lady leave me alone, I’m married!’”

  • While He Drove People Prayed

    A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

    Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, a leather jacket, and jeans.

    Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

    The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

    St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

    He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years.”

    St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

    “Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!”

    “Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

  • The Catholic Type the Salvation Army Type and the Baptist Type

    A man walked into the ladies section of a department store.

    He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

    “What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

    “Type?” inquires the man. “There is more than one type?”

    “Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color, and material.

    “Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only 3 types of bras,” replied the salesclerk.

    Confused, the man asked, “What are the 3 types?”

    The saleslady replied, “The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?”

    Still confused, the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”

    The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple… The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

  • Where Are You Going to Get a Lawyer

    An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”

    So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

    Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.

    After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

    One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”

    Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

    God replies, “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here.”

    Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

    God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

    Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?!”

  • She Wouldnt Be Able To Shes Left-Handed

    A young married couple are taking a nice stroll down a long and rather winding road. There was a long way till they got home and there was plenty of time to have a long drawn-out conversation, so the wife decided to ask her husband a question she had on her mind for a long time:

    Wife: “If I died, would you remarry?”

    Husband: “No, I love you too much to get married to a different woman.”

    Wife: “But you love being married, don’t you? So honestly. You’d get remarried wouldn’t you?”

    Husband: “Yeah, I guess I would get remarried eventually.”

    Wife: “Would you and your new wife live in our house?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we live?”

    Wife: “Would you take down all the pictures of me and you together?”

    Husband: “Yeah, it would be very discourteous to her not to. I’d still keep the ones of me and you in my private drawer.”

    Wife: “Would you two sleep in our bedroom?”

    Husband: “Yeah, where else would we sleep?”

    Wife: “Would she use my golf clubs?”

    Husband: “No, she wouldn’t be able to, she’s left-handed!”