Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Try again, Einstein

    Day after day, the same guy keeps taking my favorite parking space at work, so I keep keying the sides of his car. And each morning, he shows up again with it painted a new color and with a different license plate, just to confuse me. Ha! Try again, Einstein!

  • The Donkey Clock

    An American man visiting Mexico finds his wristwatch has stopped working. He’s got a flight to catch in a few hours, so he tries to ask a local the time but doesn’t know the language. Finally he meets an old Mexican man sitting next to a donkey who speaks English. “Excuse me, Señor, but do you know the time?” the American asks.

    The old man reaches up and grabs the donkey’s balls. He twists them to the left, then he moves them to the right, then he lifts them up. “Sí, Señor, it’s 2:20,” he replies.

    The American stands there for a moment, flabbergasted. Then he replies, “Gracias, Señor,” and walks away pondering what he just witnessed.

    A short time passes and the American wants to see the old man’s trick again, so he asks him the time. The old man again grabs the donkey’s balls — he twists them left, then moves them right, then lifts them up. “It’s 2:45,” the old man replies.

    “How in the hell are you doing that? How do you tell the time with donkey balls?” says the American.

    The old man replies, “You see, Señor, I twist them left, I turn them right, then I lift them so I can see that clock over there.”

  • Show Him Your Badge

    A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.

    I replied, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

    The DEA officer exploded. “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!”

    Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face.

    “See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked, no answers given! Do I make myself clear? Do you understand?”

    I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to my chores.

    A short time later, I heard loud screams. I looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull.

    With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like the officer would get gored before he made it to safety.

    So I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:

    “Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!”

  • US Paralympics Team Refuses to Stand During Star Spangled Banner – This Is Getting Out of Control

    US Paralympics Team Refuses to Stand During Star Spangled Banner – This Is Getting Out of Control

    This is getting out of control

    US Paralympics Team Refuses to Stand During Star Spangled Banner

  • Love Do You Want Kids? Absolutely Not – Children We Need to Talk

    Love Do You Want Kids? Absolutely Not – Children We Need to Talk

    Love, do you want kids?

    Absolutely Not

    Me Neither

    Children, we need to talk

  • This Was in My Dentist’s Waiting Room – Gollum Before and After

    This Was in My Dentist’s Waiting Room – Gollum Before and After

    This was in my dentist’s waiting room

    Før… Efter…

  • Game Show Idea: 11 Gay Men and 1 Straight Man – None of the Men Are Actually Gay

    Game Show Idea: 11 Gay Men and 1 Straight Man – None of the Men Are Actually Gay

    Game Show Idea:

    11 gay men and 1 straight man are locked in a house. The object for the gay men is to find out who isn’t gay. Once a week someone gets outvoted, until 2 are left, or the straight man is out. If the gays manage to outvote him, they win 1 million dollars. If the straight man is among the 2 last people in the house in the end, he wins 1 million dollars.

    Now here’s the twist: None of the men are actually gay, they just all think they are the one straight man.

  • Can You Give the Kids a Talk on Drugs – I Talk a Lot of Shit When I’m High

    Can You Give the Kids a Talk on Drugs – I Talk a Lot of Shit When I’m High

    Wife: Can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

    Me: Ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

  • Dog: Drop the Ball – Dog: Go Fuck Yourself

    Dog: Drop the Ball – Dog: Go Fuck Yourself

    Dog: You are my life. My purpose. I will do anything for you

    Human: Drop the ball

    Dog: Go fuck yourself

  • If Size Doesn’t Matter Why Are There No 3 Inch Dildos

    If Size Doesn’t Matter Why Are There No 3 Inch Dildos

    If size doesn’t matter why are there no 3 inch dildos