judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Tone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Too Much Sex Memory Loss
“Having too much sex can cause memory loss.” I read it on page 37 in a medical journal in November 2006 at 4:19pm.
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Magnifying Glass Penis Enlarger
“Man buys product that promised to enlarge his penis and gets a magnifying glass”
Homem compra produto que prometia aumentar pênis e recebe lupa
PROCON Campina
PREFEITURA MUNICIPAL DE CAMPINA SECRETARIA MUNICIPAL DE ASSUNTOS JURÍDICOS Departamento de Proteção ao Consumidor
disque 151 www.procon.campina.sp.gov.br
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Your Son Is an Artist!
A man goes to school to have a meeting with his son’s teachers. He walks into the first classroom and says, “Hello, I’m Giotto’s father. Please excuse me if I sound a bit strange, but I burned my tongue yesterday.”
The teacher sighs and says, “Look, we really needed to talk to you. Your son is struggling. He doesn’t know his times tables, he doesn’t know the American states… he doesn’t even know which state he’s in right now! You really need to have a talk with him.”
“I’m so sorry,” the father replies. “I’ll speak with him tonight. But again, please forgive my speech; I really scorched my tongue.”
He then moves on to the art teacher’s office. “Hello, I’m Giotto’s father. Please excuse my voice, I burned my tongue yesterday.”
The art teacher beams. “Oh, don’t worry about that! I have to tell you, your son is a prodigy. He’s incredible! Just yesterday, he drew a basket of fruit so realistically that all the other children gathered around trying to pick a piece to eat!”
The father nods and says, “I know, I know… yesterday he drew a vagina on the stove.”
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Americans Right About Miles
Water ← 1 mile
Water 1 kilometer →
Americans 2 Sep at 12:05
But the Americans are right. A mile is less then a kilometre. (1 mile = 1,6 Kilometre)
boredpanda.com
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Double or Nothing
A certain country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.
One day, an enemy attacks the palace. The survival of the dictator is in question. The doubles await news, trembling in fear. If the dictator dies, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they know, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.
Finally, they are called into a conference room. One of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.
“My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”
The doubles collectively sigh with relief.
Then a big man with an axe enters the room.
“Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor. “He lost an arm…”
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Invisible
I thought I was invisible, so I went to the doctor…
…unfortunately, he couldn’t see me.
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Perfect Eyesight
Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball, I couldn’t see where it went.”
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down, she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try?”
“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur. “Your brother is 85. He can’t help.”
“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law and says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did. Great shot!” answers the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight.”
“Where did it go?” Arthur asks.
“I don’t remember.”
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Hit the Ball, Drag Walter
A man goes golfing every Sunday morning and is usually home in time for lunch. Until one Sunday when his wife found herself waiting well past noon with no sign of her elderly husband. She wrapped up his lunch and put it in the fridge to stay fresh, busying herself with chores and growing more anxious as the afternoon wore on.
Finally, he pulled into the driveway and she ran out to meet him. “Where have you been?” she asked.
“Well, Walter had a heart attack on the third hole,” he replied. “Just keeled over and died right there on the spot!”
“Oh no, that’s terrible!” the wife exclaimed.
“Yeah, so for the whole rest of the day it was ‘hit the ball, drag Walter. Hit the ball, drag Walter…’”
