What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover?
Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball over 300 yards.
Tone: irreverent
Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Fixing the boat
Plugging the hole in the row boat with my penis wasn’t a bad idea, but forgetting to take out my piercing barbell *was* — although the bass didn’t seem to think so.
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I didn’t even know he was a health nut
I don’t really understand the popularity of this Pilate’s workout, but then, I’m not a very religious person. Hell, I didn’t even know he was a health nut.
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The Top 16 Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday
16. Filled out the necessary paperwork to have the paraffin spill from his birthday cake declared a federal Superfund cleanup site.
15. Tried to spring Mary-Kate out of rehab for a night of partying.
14. Blew birthday money on hookers. More precisely, H-O scale hooker figurines to install under the street lamps in his model railroad set.
13. Bravely liberated another gallon of Old Grand-Dad from the Strategic Booze Reserve.
12. No one knows for sure, but police say it involved a garden gnome, two quarts of industrial adhesive, a stun gun, and a Barry White CD.
11. Swam like a porpoise in his swimming pool filled with dot-com cash, bay-bee!
10. Same as every year: got hammered on cheap tequila at a bar and slapped silly by women less than amused by his drunken advances, laughed like a hyena while egging Letterman’s house, then returned home to torch up a doobie the size of a python.
9. Cocktails with Pat and Vanna while listening to them trash Trebek.
8. Tried to speed-eat his weight in free birthday Moons Over My Hammy breakfasts at every Denny’s in the Tri-State area.
7. Put the finishing touches on a surprise macramé prison jumpsuit for Martha Stewart.
6. Took a well-deserved day off from the soul-crushing grind of reading jokes all day for a living.
5. Had too much to drink and got a bit rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then got his ass kicked by a 16-year-old in a rat costume. Again.
4. Glued to CNN Headline News, fantasizing about Jenna Bush’s tongue.
3. “With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m not even sure that’s physically possible — but I’ll give it my best shot, sir.”
2. Got his free annual mullet-trimming during NASCAR commercial breaks.
1. Negotiated for a 30-minute conjugal visit, then spent the extra 27 minutes watching The Golden Girls.
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Souble Standards
When I’m sitting in a restaurant with a date and she asks, “Do you mind if I smoke?” I always feel like saying, “No, but do you mind if I sit here beside you and discreetly masturbate under the tablecloth?”
Regrettably, I never do, since by the time she gets around to asking about the cigarette, I’m usually half finished and have no intention of stopping anyway.
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Recruit a few disciples
When I face a problem, I stop and ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” It works. Drinking wine, sitting around talking, drinking more wine, telling parables, drinking more wine, and talking to God really does pretty much solve any problem I have. Now if only I could recruit a few disciples.
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Probably something involving bees
If hell is having to watch your worst decisions over and over forever, I really hope they give you a better judgment system than you had when you made those decisions. If they don’t, they’ll have to sit and explain to you why you were wrong. And chances are they still won’t get through to you. Then they’ll have to think up some new punishment. Probably something involving bees.
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Top 13 Signs You’re a Man Trapped in a Woman’s Body (Part II)
13. Three drinks into the bachelorette party, you’ve got a bridesmaid in a headlock telling her how much you love her.
12. If you can locate the sink in under two minutes, the bathroom is clean enough.
11. You’re having trouble grasping the concept of “too much porn.”
10. Late to your wedding because of wardrobe issues? No. Feeling overly emotional? Hardly. Wouldn’t stop to ask for directions? Bingo.
9. Even though it’s only for men, you take Levitra because Ditka’s word is gospel.
8. You use a glue gun to make sure the toilet seat stays up.
7. You constantly scratch your crotch and “adjust” yourself to get comfortable — in line at Starbucks.
6. You just can’t seem to watch Baywatch with your mouth closed.
5. You’re the only woman in the office who heads to the restroom with a full coffee mug and the USA Today sports section.
4. Your friends find you drunk in the restroom yelling, “Show us yer tits!” at the lavatory mirror.
3. Those tiny bits of chaw stuck in your lipstick.
2. You have a fine appreciation for the subtle genius and brilliant comic timing that is Andrew Dice Clay.
And Topfive.com’s number one sign you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body…
1. You haven’t been invited for a girls’ night out since your infamous “farting the alphabet” incident.
