Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Little Johnny Explains What a Gnome Is

    A teacher asks her class, “Who can tell me a word that starts with the letter ‘A’?”

    Little Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say something like ‘asshole.’

    So she calls on Suzy, who says, “Apple.”

    “Very good!” says the teacher. “Now… who can tell me a word that begins with the letter ‘B’?”

    Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher thinks, I’m not calling on Johnny. He’ll say ‘bastard’ or ‘bitch.’

    So she calls on Stephen instead, and Stephen says, “Balloon.”

    This continues until they get to the letter G.

    Again, Johnny raises his hand, and the teacher says to herself, I can’t think of a swear word that starts with G.

    So she calls on Johnny.

    “Gnome,” says Johnny.

    Very surprised, the teacher says, “That’s excellent, Johnny! It does start with G, which is silent. Johnny, do you know what a gnome is?”

    “Yeah,” says Johnny. “It’s the little shit who lives in my garden and fucks fairies.”

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  • Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball

    What’s the difference between a golf ball and a Land Rover?

    Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball over 300 yards.

  • Why Is My Blonde Girlfriend So Beautiful?

    “Dear God, why is my blonde girlfriend so very beautiful?”

    God answers, “My son, to make you love her.”

    “But why is she also so very stupid?”

    “My son, to make her love you back.”

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  • Fixing the boat

    Plugging the hole in the row boat with my penis wasn’t a bad idea, but forgetting to take out my piercing barbell *was* — although the bass didn’t seem to think so.

  • I didn’t even know he was a health nut

    I don’t really understand the popularity of this Pilate’s workout, but then, I’m not a very religious person. Hell, I didn’t even know he was a health nut.

  • The Top 16 Ways Chris Celebrated His Birthday Yesterday

    16. Filled out the necessary paperwork to have the paraffin spill from his birthday cake declared a federal Superfund cleanup site.

    15. Tried to spring Mary-Kate out of rehab for a night of partying.

    14. Blew birthday money on hookers. More precisely, H-O scale hooker figurines to install under the street lamps in his model railroad set.

    13. Bravely liberated another gallon of Old Grand-Dad from the Strategic Booze Reserve.

    12. No one knows for sure, but police say it involved a garden gnome, two quarts of industrial adhesive, a stun gun, and a Barry White CD.

    11. Swam like a porpoise in his swimming pool filled with dot-com cash, bay-bee!

    10. Same as every year: got hammered on cheap tequila at a bar and slapped silly by women less than amused by his drunken advances, laughed like a hyena while egging Letterman’s house, then returned home to torch up a doobie the size of a python.

    9. Cocktails with Pat and Vanna while listening to them trash Trebek.

    8. Tried to speed-eat his weight in free birthday Moons Over My Hammy breakfasts at every Denny’s in the Tri-State area.

    7. Put the finishing touches on a surprise macramé prison jumpsuit for Martha Stewart.

    6. Took a well-deserved day off from the soul-crushing grind of reading jokes all day for a living.

    5. Had too much to drink and got a bit rowdy at Chuck E. Cheese’s, then got his ass kicked by a 16-year-old in a rat costume. Again.

    4. Glued to CNN Headline News, fantasizing about Jenna Bush’s tongue.

    3. “With all due respect, Mr. Vice President, I’m not even sure that’s physically possible — but I’ll give it my best shot, sir.”

    2. Got his free annual mullet-trimming during NASCAR commercial breaks.

    1. Negotiated for a 30-minute conjugal visit, then spent the extra 27 minutes watching The Golden Girls.

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  • Souble Standards

    When I’m sitting in a restaurant with a date and she asks, “Do you mind if I smoke?” I always feel like saying, “No, but do you mind if I sit here beside you and discreetly masturbate under the tablecloth?”

    Regrettably, I never do, since by the time she gets around to asking about the cigarette, I’m usually half finished and have no intention of stopping anyway.

  • Recruit a few disciples

    When I face a problem, I stop and ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” It works. Drinking wine, sitting around talking, drinking more wine, telling parables, drinking more wine, and talking to God really does pretty much solve any problem I have. Now if only I could recruit a few disciples.

  • Probably something involving bees

    If hell is having to watch your worst decisions over and over forever, I really hope they give you a better judgment system than you had when you made those decisions. If they don’t, they’ll have to sit and explain to you why you were wrong. And chances are they still won’t get through to you. Then they’ll have to think up some new punishment. Probably something involving bees.

  • Cheese in the nose

    Instead of calling a conclusion that does not follow from the underlying logic a non sequitur, which is Latin for “it does not follow,” I think naming it for the Latin phrase for “cheese in the nose” would have made less, and thus more, sense.