Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Now it’s a Ford Focus

    I just dumped some Adderall in my Ford Fiesta’s gas tank…
    Now it’s a Ford Focus.

  • Don’t Worry, It’s Just the Drums!

    The Drums, the Drums!

    Two intrepid explorers are navigating up a remote river in Africa with the assistance of some native bearers.

    The first night, around the fire, the sound of drums can be heard in the distance. The explorers are clearly discomfited by the sound, but the natives tell them to relax—it’s not a big deal.

    The following night, the drums can be heard again, only much closer and louder. The explorers think this can’t be good and are visibly shaken. Again, the bearers tell them to calm down, that the drums are harmless.

    The third night, the drums are louder still, and the explorers are barely keeping it together. Suddenly…the drums stop.

    Now it is the bearers who are quaking, trembling in terror. When the explorers ask them the reason for this, the leader says, in a quavering voice,

    “Very bad! When drums stop, bass solo begins!”

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  • A gardener hoes his beets

    What’s the difference between a gardener and a pimp?

    A gardener hoes his beets.

  • We don’t want any kids

    My wife and I have decided we don’t want any kids.

    We’re going to tell them in the morning.

  • It definitely wouldn’t be this one

    I saw a guy carrying a screaming toddler across the parking lot.

    He noticed me looking at him and said, “He’s mine. I’m not stealing him or anything.”

    Before I could reply, he added, “If I was gonna take one, it definitely wouldn’t be this asshole.”

  • Subway Revelation: A Lengthy Mistake!

    Two things happened today.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    First, I learned that my penis is not as long as a 6-inch sub from Subway.

    Second, I was banned from my local Subway shortly after this revelation.

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  • Businessman’s Unique Cravings: Homesick Humor

    A businessman walks into a brothel.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He asks the lady working the front desk, “I’d like a room, and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, most boring-in-bed woman—and a ham sandwich.”

    The receptionist looks at him, confused, and says, “For that price, we could get you our youngest, kindest, slimmest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings.”

    The businessman replies, “Lady, you don’t understand. I’m homesick.”

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  • Cut Off But Still Calling!

    Jesus is hanging on the cross and calls out to one of his apostles…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “Peter, Peter!” Jesus cries.

    Peter, down at the bottom of Calvary Hill, hears his Lord’s call and runs as fast as he can toward the sound of the voice. He ducks and weaves through the crowd until he’s spotted by a Roman soldier. The soldier cuts Peter’s left arm off and kicks him back down the hill.

    Jesus calls out again, his voice weakening: “Peter, Peter.”

    Though weak himself from his injury, Peter gets to his feet and begins up the hill again. Peter makes it past the first soldier and a bit farther up the hill when a second Roman soldier cuts off Peter’s other arm and kicks him back down the hill. Peter lies bleeding out when he hears the weakening voice of Jesus yet again.

    “Peter… Peter,” Jesus beckons.

    Peter musters his strength and stands. He begins his third attempt at climbing the hill. The first soldier is occupied and doesn’t notice Peter. The second soldier is busy beating another man. But when Peter is just about to reach the foot of the cross, a third soldier draws his sword, cuts off Peter’s left leg, and kicks him back down the hill. Peter, now nearly dead, hears Jesus call out one last time.

    Now just a whisper, Jesus calls, “Peter… Peter…”

    Peter, now looking more like a snake than a man, begins slithering his way back up the hill on his belly. The first, second, and third soldiers take no notice of Peter while he slowly makes his way through the blood and the mud. Peter can feel his strength waning as he finally reaches the top of the hill. Peter collapses at the foot of the cross and calls out to his Lord, “My Lord Jesus, why dost thou beckon me?”

    Jesus gazes down upon his faithful apostle and says, “Peter, Peter… I can see your house from up here.”

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  • Grateful Skin: A Love Story!

    A man’s face is badly burned in a fire.

    The doctors decide he needs a skin graft to restore his face, but he is so thin that he has no excess skin of his own for the operation. So they use skin from his wife’s bottom.

    The operation is a complete success. His face looks like it did before the fire.

    Several months go by, and the man is still thanking his wife profusely for the sacrifice she made.

    Finally, she says to him, “You don’t have to keep thanking me. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

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  • Just a figure of speech

    My friend asked me to say a few words at his wife’s funeral, so I stepped up to the podium, cleared my throat, and said, “Curvy, shapely, voluptuous, generously proportioned, full-figured…”

    He stopped me and said, “Dude, what are you saying??”

    I replied, “Sorry… it was just a figure of speech.”