Tone: irreverent

Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Bet Your Ass Its Not Cheerios

    There are two little brothers, one is seven and the other is four. The seven year old convinces the four year old that they are old enough to swear now. He tells the four year old, “When we go downstairs, I will say, ‘Hell’ and you say ‘ass’.”

    The four year old agrees. When they get downstairs, the mother asks the seven year old, “What do you want for breakfast?”

    Seven year old, “Oh, hell, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”

    Well, mother slaps the crap out of him and sends him to his room.

    Then, she turns to the four year old — “What do you want for breakfast?”

    The four year old is wide-eyed and says, “I’m not sure, but you can bet your ass it’s not going to be Cheerios!”

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  • She Fakes It With Ken

    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”

    The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.”

    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”

    “No,” says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”

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  • How Do You Like That

    This woman is in labor. Everything is going fine, and suddenly the nurse exclaims “I can see his head!”

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    And sure enough, the baby peeks out. But then he sees this nurse, gets scared, and ducks back in. After a few moments, he pops his head out and looks around the room again. This time, he sees the doctor, gets scared, and ducks back in. A few more minutes pass, and the baby reluctantly peeks out again. This time, he sees the father.

    Suddenly, he reaches out and starts poking the father on his forehead and says, “How do you like that, mother fucker!??”

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  • It Will Be Missed

    I donated my old basketball hoop to the school for the blind.

    It will be missed.

  • Cucumbers Good For Memory

    Cucumbers Good For Memory

  • Gabriels Trumpet

    When it was finally her turn to take care of the elderly Father Sands, the novice Jenny was taken aside by the Mother Superior.

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    “I must warn you,” the older woman said, “that although Father Sands is old in body, he is young at heart. It is important that when you give him his bath, you never look below his waist. Otherwise, he will become very excited.”

    With that, Jenny went to look after the aged priest. Later, sobbing, Jenny sought out the Mother Superior.

    “Forgive me,” the novice said, “but when I was bathing Father Sands, I — I looked down. As you said, he became aroused.”

    “And what happened?”

    “I — I lay with him. He said that I would surely go to heaven if I let him put his key to the gates of St. Peter in my lock.”

    “Why, that old bastard!” the Mother Superior fumed. “For years he’s been telling me it’s Gabriel’s trumpet!”

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  • The Tides Coming In

    A man with no arms and no legs is lying on a beach.

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    A beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor thing. Have you ever been held by a woman?”

    “No,” he says sadly.

    She kneels down and embraces him. Then she gets up and walks on.

    Some time later, another even more beautiful woman walks by. She sees him, takes pity on him and says, “You poor man. Have you ever been kissed?”

    “No,” he sighs.

    She leans down and kisses him. Then she walks on.

    A while after that, a third woman appears. She’s even more beautiful than the first two. She sees the limbless man lying there, looks at him and says, “Have you ever been fucked?”

    “No, I haven’t.”

    “Well you are now, the tide’s coming in!”

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  • Urine Test Results

    A man comes to the hospital and says his elbow hurts.

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    The doctor tells him to take a urine test.

    The man gets annoyed: “Doctor, why a urine test? My elbow hurts!”

    The doctor replies: “You came here for treatment. If I said take the test, then take the test and stop arguing.”

    The man goes home furious. Out of spite, he mixes together urine from his wife, daughter, mother-in-law, and cat, adds some water from the heating radiator, and even pours in some brake fluid from his car. Then he takes the whole mixture to the lab.

    The next day he comes back for the results.

    The doctor says: “Well, your cat is perfectly healthy, so no need to worry about her. Your heating system is fine too — no repairs needed anytime soon.

    Your mother-in-law is developing a serious illness. She’ll need surgery, expensive and only available abroad.

    Don’t worry about your daughter — her young, strong body, despite being thirteen, has successfully formed a fetus. It’s twins.

    As for your wife — she’s had syphilis for about six months, and because of that she’s not sleeping with you. So you go jerk off in the bathroom, it’s cramped in there, you keep banging your elbow against the wall — that’s why your elbow hurts.”

    The man stands up, completely stunned, and walks away.

    The doctor shouts after him:

    “And change your brake fluid while you’re at it — your left rear brake cylinder is leaking too!”

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  • Cindy Aint Even Reached Puberty Yet

    A father came home and found his 8-year-old boy sitting on the front porch smoking a cigar. He marched up to the lad, removed the cigar from the boy’s mouth and said, “I suppose you’re going to tell me that you’re sitting there smoking that cigar because you just became a father.”

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    “Hell no, Dad,” said the boy, “Cindy ain’t even reached puberty yet.”

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