Tone: light-hearted

Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • # Job Interview Disasters: Personnel Executives Share Crazy Stories

    We’ve all been interviewed for jobs. And, we’ve all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don’t bite your nails. Don’t fidget. Don’t interrupt. Don’t belch. If we did any of the don’ts, we knew we’d disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

    The lowlights:

    “… stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.”

    “She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.”

    “A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece.”

    “… asked to see interviewer’s resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.”

    “… announced she hadn’t had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer’s office – wiping the ketchup on her sleeve”

    “Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.”

    “Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.”

    “When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.”

    “At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left.”

    “… pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.”

    “Said he wasn’t interested because the position paid too much.”

    “While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.”

    “During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate’s brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.”

    “A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: ‘Which company? When do I start? What’s the salary?’ I said, ‘I assume you’re not interested in conducting the interview any further.’ He promptly responded, ‘I am as long as you’ll pay me more.’ I didn’t hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.”

    “His attaché case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies’ undergarments and assorted makeup and perfume.”

    “Candidate said he really didn’t want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.”

    “… asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.”

    “Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk.”

  • Caught Napping: Creative Excuses for Workplace Sleeping

    If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job

    “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
    “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
    “I was working smarter – not harder.”
    “Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
    “Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
    “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
    “I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
    “I was trying to remember where that difficult ‘Z’ Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
    “I’m in the management training program.”
    “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
    “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
    “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
    “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
    “Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
    “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
    “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
    “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
    “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
    “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
    “The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
    “Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.”

  • How to Keep a Healthy Level of Sanity at Work

    Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)

    Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

    Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”

    Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

    “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.

    While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”

    Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

    Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

    Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.

    Insist that your e-mail address be “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com”

    Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

    Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a coworker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

    Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

    Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

    Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”

    Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

    For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

    Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none… just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”

  • Bud Bowl

    I kind of miss the “Bud Bowl” — not because I watched it so much as because I enjoyed hearing my stoner roommates snicker in between handfuls of Funyuns every time the phrase was uttered on TV.

  • The Pizza Delivery Guy

    A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!

    The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”

    A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make three hundred dollars a week. Why?”

    The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks’ pay — now GET OUT and don’t come back!”

    Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”

    With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “He’s the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”

  • Hot Glue

    If you’re trying to mend a broken relationship, keep in mind that hot glue is only a temporary solution.

  • How Aging Affects Belt Height

    How Aging Affects Belt Height

    HOW AGING AFFECTS BELT HEIGHT…

    YOUTH ADULT MIDDLE-AGE OLD AGE

    Reynolds

  • Excuses if You Get Caught Sleeping in Your Cubicle

    It’s okay… I’m still billing the client.

    “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

    This is just a fifteen-minute power nap like they raved about in the last time-management course you sent me to.

    I was working smarter, not harder.

    “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”

    “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

    This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!

    I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

    I’m in the management training program.

    Actually doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.

    This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamt about work!

    “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?”

    Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

    The coffee machine is broken… Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.

    Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!

    It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?

    I was cross-training for telecommuting.

    Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!

    Wasn’t sleeping. Was trying to pick up my contact lens without hands.

    The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.

    I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.

  • Meow

    One day, a sign appeared in an office window. It read: “Help wanted. Must type seventy words a minute. Must be computer literate. Must be bilingual. An equal opportunity employer.” A dog ambling down the street saw the sign, walked in, and applied for the job.

    The office manager said, “I can’t hire a dog for this job.”

    The dog pointed to the line: “An equal opportunity employer.”

    So the manager said, “OK, take this letter and type it.”

    The dog went off to the word processor and returned a minute later with the finished letter, perfectly formatted.

    The manager said, “Here’s a problem. Write a computer program for it and run it.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct answer.

    The manager still wasn’t convinced. “I can’t hire a dog for this position. You’ve got to be bilingual.”

    The dog looked up at the manager and said, “Meow.”

  • You Gotta Fax Your Ass to Corporate

    This one is supposed to be a true story, told by a co-worker.

    Any of you have those square electronic keys you press against a pad to open the building door? I worked at a relatively high-security building which had electronic locks. A thick plastic card pressed against the door pad unlocks the door so you can enter. Most of us guys kept the card in our back pocket and just pressed our ass against the pad to unlock the door.

    A temporary worker was hired and we were surprised (and happy) to find that it was a young woman. Her first few days went by and one of us always happened to be nearby when she wanted in. I walked up one day and caught her rubbing her ass against the door pad — which didn’t unlock the door, since she didn’t have a card.

    As I pressed my butt against the pad to let us both in, I told her, “You gotta fax your ass to corporate before you can get in this way.”