A ninety-five-year-old man was asked, “Do you still call your wife ‘darling,’ ‘sweetie,’ or ‘honey’ at this age? What’s the secret?”
He said, “It’s been ten years. I’ve forgotten her name, and I feel scared to ask now.”
Tone: light-hearted
Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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When Poetry Fails: Johnny’s Unique Strategy
Little Johnny was in school and his English teacher had the students write short poems.
When everyone was done, she asked the students to read them for the class.
Little Jeremy: “I took a walk down by the lake and there I saw a long brown snake.”
Very good Jeremy!
Little Susie: “My oh my! I looked to the sky, and there I saw a butterfly.”
Very good Susie!
Little Johnny: “I couldn’t think of one.”
Teacher. “You go out in the hall and let me know once you do!”
Little Johnny goes and sits in the hall. He’s looking around and figures one out.
He jestures to the teacher who comes and asks him what his poem is.
“As I sat out in the hall, a big cockroach ran up the wall.”
The teacher wasn’t pleased, because she knew Johnny just loved slipping in curse words, but said “Ok, but leave cock out of it.”
Little Johnny comes back in front of the class and reads his poem:
“As I sat out in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall. With his cock out!”
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Love Stinks: A Wedding Dilemma
A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
Long
Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.
“Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”
His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”
“Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”
“No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.
“Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”
“Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”
“No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”
Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”
“I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.
“Not a word,” her mother affirmed.
“Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.
The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”
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Paddy O’Furniture: The All-Nighter Legend!
Did you hear the one about the Irishman that stayed out all night?
Paddy O’Furniture! -
Marriage: The Real Devil’s Advocate
Church was in service when the Devil appeared and started running up and down the aisles, screaming, “I AM BEELZEBUB, LORD OF HELL! FEAR ME!”
Everyone in the church started panicking and scrambling to escape, except an old man who just quietly sat there shaking his head.
The Devil, seeing this, went up to the old man and shouted, “I AM BEELZEBUB! WHY AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF ME?!”
The old man calmly looked the devil in the eyes and said, “I’ve been married to your sister for 60 years.”
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High Maintenance? I’m Outta Here!
I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her…
I’m just not into high maintenance women! -
Leprechauns: Always a Little Short on Cash!
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they’re always a little short.
