Tone: light-hearted

Light-hearted humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Love Stinks: A Wedding Dilemma

    A young couple decided to wed but, as the big day approached, they grew apprehensive.
    Long
    Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

    The groom-to-be, hoping to overcome his fear, decided to ask his father for advice.

    “Father, I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage.”

    His father replied, “Do you love this girl?”

    “Oh yes, very much,” he said,” but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I’m afraid that my fiance will be put off by them.”

    “No problem,” said his father, “All you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed.”

    Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

    The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to discuss her problem with her mom.

    “Mom,” she said, “When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful.”

    “Honey,” her mother consoled, “Everyone has bad breath in the morning.”

    “No, you don’t understand. My morning breath is so bad, I’m afraid that my fiance will not want to sleep in the same room with me.”

    Her mother said simply, “In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the kitchen and make breakfast. While the family is busy eating, go to the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is not to say a word until you’ve brushed your teeth.”

    “I shouldn’t say good morning or anything?” the daughter asked.

    “Not a word,” her mother affirmed.

    “Well, it’s certainly worth a try,” she thought.

    The loving couple were finally married. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

    Shortly before dawn one morning, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, wakes his bride and without thinking, she asks, “What on earth are you doing?”

    “Oh no!” he replied, “You’ve swallowed my sock!”

  • Paddy O’Furniture: The All-Nighter Legend!

    Did you hear the one about the Irishman that stayed out all night?
    Paddy O’Furniture!

  • Marriage: The Real Devil’s Advocate

    Church was in service when the Devil appeared and started running up and down the aisles, screaming, “I AM BEELZEBUB, LORD OF HELL! FEAR ME!”

    Everyone in the church started panicking and scrambling to escape, except an old man who just quietly sat there shaking his head.

    The Devil, seeing this, went up to the old man and shouted, “I AM BEELZEBUB! WHY AREN’T YOU AFRAID OF ME?!”

    The old man calmly looked the devil in the eyes and said, “I’ve been married to your sister for 60 years.”

  • High Maintenance? I’m Outta Here!

    I had a fling with a lady janitor, she was always stoned so I had to break it off with her…
    I’m just not into high maintenance women!

  • Leprechauns: Always a Little Short on Cash!

    Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
    Because they’re always a little short.

  • Curious Kids and Leprechaun Lore

    My kids asked me what I knew about Leprechauns.

    I said very little.

  • Johnny’s Alphabetic Twist!

    Teacher: “Johnny, give me a sentence with an ‘I’ in it.”

    Johnny: “I is…”

    Teacher: “No, Johnny, when you say ‘I,’ it should be followed by ‘am.’”

    Johnny: “Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

  • Paradise Misunderstood: A Global Perspective

    A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

    The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says, “They look so calm—they must be British!”

    The Frenchman responds, “No, no! They’re naked, so beautiful—they must be French!”

    The Russian says, “They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise? …They’re clearly Russian!”

  • Drunk Logic: The $20 Clean-Up Plan!

    A man had been drinking at a bar all night and puked down the front of his shirt.

    “Shit, I can’t go home like this. My wife will kill me.”

    The bartender sees this and says, “Put a $20 bill in your pocket, and when she sees the puke, tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

    So the guy goes home, and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened. He replies, “A drunk guy puked on me, and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning.”

    His wife says, “Okay, well then why do you have $40 in your hand?”

    “Because he also shit in my pants.”

  • Baiting the Priest: A Fishy Tale!

    Two altar boys are fishing on a dock. One of the boys gets a bite and reels it in. He snatches it up and proclaims to the other altar boy, “Look at this big sum bitch!”

    The other altar boy says, “You can’t say that—you’re an altar boy.”

    To which he explains, “That’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”

    “Wow, well that is a big sum bitch. Let’s go show it to the priest!”

    The two boys run up to the priest, yelling, “Priest, look at this big sum bitch we caught!”

    Priest: “You boys can’t talk like that—you’re altar boys!”

    Altar boys: “Priest, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”

    Priest: “Well, that is a nice sum bitch. Let’s go catch some more of those sum bitches and show ’em to the cardinal!”

    So the priest and the boys catch some more of those sum bitches and carry them to show the cardinal.
    “Cardinal, look at all these sum bitches we caught!”

    Cardinal: “I should have you all excommunicated for language like that!”

    Altar boys: “Well, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch.”

    Cardinal: “I never in my life have seen such a fine bunch of sum bitches. Let’s take them to the nun and see if she’ll cook up these sum bitches!”

    So the altar boys, the priest, and the cardinal go see the nun.

    “Nun! Can you cook up these sum bitches for us?!”

    Nun: “I ain’t cooking nothing if you boys are gonna talk like that!”

    Altar boys: “Nun, that’s the name of the fish: sum bitch!”

    Nun: “Well, since you boys went through the trouble of catching all these sum bitches, I reckon I could fry these sum bitches up!”
    That night, the pope is visiting town and sits down for supper with the altar boys, priest, cardinal, and nun.

    Altar boys: “I can’t believe we caught all these sum bitches!”

    Priest: “These are the best sum bitches I have ever eaten!”

    Cardinal: “Nun, you cooked these sum bitches just right!”

    Nun: “I sure did. You boys gotta catch some more of these sum bitches!”

    The pope looks around at everyone with a surprised look on his face. He cracks a grin and says, “Y’all motherfuckers are alright!”