Tone: raunchy

Raunchy humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Dear Diary: A Viagra Diary

    Dear Diary:

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Day 1
    Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

    Day 2
    Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, gimme a break. He’s been dysfunctional for so long that he even walks with a limp.

    Day 3
    This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears.

    Day 4
    A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He said, ‘this time, I’d rather not have your mother join us.’ I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his mood.

    Day 7
    This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!

    Day 8
    I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker.

    Day 10
    Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn’t working. What am I gonna do?

    Day 11
    The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do Denmark.

    Day 12
    I’m basically being drilled to death. It’s like going out with a Black and Decker power tool.

    Day 13
    I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I keep saying ‘fabulous,’ and still he keeps coming after me!

    Day 14
    Now I know how Saddam Hussein’s wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. Let’s hope he’s not like ex-President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!

    Day 15
    I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister Wendy revs his motor.

    Day 16
    I may just have to kill him. Then he’ll go out the way he wants to… stiff! With my luck, I won’t be able to close the casket.

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  • Doctor, It Only Hurts When I Masturbate

    A man goes to the doctors and says “Doc, you gotta help me!”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The doctor says “What’s your problem?”

    The guy says every morning I wake up with my “morning flagpole”.. give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor’s wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work.. Once I get to work I do some work and at morning tea time I go into the photocopy room and have it off with one of the young office girls. At lunch I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good bonking… For afternoon tea I give the boss’s wife a good servicing.. I then go home and slip the maid a few inches.. Then at night I give the missus another screw……

    “Well” said the doctor. “What’s your problem?”

    The guy says “Well, it hurts when I masturbate.”

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  • Pickup Lines That Will Get You Rejected

    70 pickup lines

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.

    2. Do you want to see something swell?

    3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?

    4. Drop ’em!

    5. What do you like for breakfast?

    6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

    7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?

    8. Say, did we go to different schools together?

    9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?

    10. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: “Smile if you want to sleep with me.” And watch them try to hold back their laugh.

    11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?

    12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

    13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?

    14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.

    15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”

    16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?

    17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

    18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

    19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?

    20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”

    21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?

    22. A woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You: “Do you have the energy?”

    23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?

    24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)

    25. Bond. James Bond.

    26. Do you spit or swallow?

    27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?

    28. Your place or mine?

    29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

    30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.

    31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?

    32. Your face or MINE!?

    33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”

    34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

    35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?

    36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?

    37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.

    38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.

    39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.

    40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.

    41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?

    42. I’d look good on you.

    43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

    44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.

    45. I would kill or die to make love to you.

    46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?

    47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.

    48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

    49. HI! Can I buy you a car?

    50. NOW, BITCH!

    51. Fancy a fuck?

    52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.

    53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?

    54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

    55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?

    56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?

    57. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

    58. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: “I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”

    59. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?

    60. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?

    61. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?…(Yes)…From the inside?

    62. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.

    63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?

    64. Hi, how are you?

    65. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) ‘Cause I could see myself in your pants.

    66. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.

    67. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?

    68. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

    69. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?

    70. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.

    71. Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”

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  • I Used to Be Six Feet Tall

    A midget went into a whorehouse. None of the girls really wanted to serve him, so finally they drew lots and Mitzi was unlucky and went up to the room with him.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    A minute later, there was a loud scream. The Madam and all of the girls charged up the staircase and into the room. Mitzi lay on the floor in a dead faint.

    Standing next to the bed was the midget, nude, with a three-foot cock hanging down and almost touching the floor. The girls were dumbfounded by the sight. Finally, one of them regained her composure enough to say, “Sir, would you mind if we felt it? We’ve never seen anything like that before.”

    The midget sighed. “Okay, honey, but only touching. No sucking. I used to be six feet tall.”

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  • Chunky Peanut Butter

    Chunky Peanut Butter

    David Veltri @Veltrida

    i don’t wanna be rude, but i’ve gathered enough info in my life to know that people who like chunky peanut butter like to be choked during sex

  • Charge by the Inch

    Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it, babe? You and me?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    As she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”

    She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”

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  • Another 67 of Them

    My girlfriend asked to do a 69.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    I said, “What’s that?” She said, “Lie down and I’ll show you,” so she went to squat over my face.

    As she did, she farted and jumped up and said, “Sorry,” and then tried again. She then farted a second time.

    With that, I jumped up and said, “I’m fucked. I’m not hanging around for another sixty-seven of them.”

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  • Pinata Blindfold

    Pinata Blindfold

    Damn girl… are you a pinata? Because I’m gonna need a fuckin’ blindfold before I hit that.

  • At first I was put off when she invited me back to her place and

    At first I was put off when she invited me back to her place and it reeked of urine. Then when she told me that she doesn’t have pets, I was totally turned on.

  • Never hire a hooker named Crabby. Anyway you look at it, it’s

    Never hire a hooker named Crabby. Anyway you look at it, it’s going to suck — and not in the good way, either.