Me: omg I’m so tired from all that crossfit this morning
Friend: it’s pronounced croissant… and I’m not sure how you managed to eat 12
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I Can Tell By the Voice
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled…
“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
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My Boss Is Like a Fine Wine
My boss is like a fine wine. All I want to do is drive a corkscrew into him but my co-workers keep saying, “Not yet, let’s wait for a special occasion.”
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Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.
14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.
13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.
12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.
11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”
10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.
9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.
8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.
7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.
6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.
5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.
4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.
3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”
2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”
1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Spain and Portugal Fit Like a Glove
Continental drift is no mere theory; it is fact. Forget about trying to fit Africa and South America together — just look at how Spain’s jagged western border fits Portugal’s jagged eastern border like a glove. Coincidence? Please.
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Top 13 Surprises in Victorias Secrets New Spring Line
The Top 13 Surprises in Victoria’s Secret’s New Spring Line
13. New “Victor’s Secret” line
12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.
11. Company’s efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.
10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the “Rodman Collection” and get a free tattoo!
9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.
8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.
7. Every wear you look — corduroy!
6. The “Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria’s Secret Catalogue?” junior bra and panty set.
5. New “Wedge-o-matic” discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.
4. Damn near everything in the new “Monica” line is Scotch-Guarded.
3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.
2. New Teletubbies bras — because it’s never too early to screw up a young girl’s self image.
1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ] -
Social Security Kind
Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.
Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”
Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”
“Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically.
“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”
