What’s the worst thing about being an atheist?
You have nobody to talk to when you’re having an orgasm.
Tone: Sarcastic
Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee
Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ’em “Delta’s ready when you are!”
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy ’em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send ’em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”
12. Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.
13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”. (Amen)
14. Put Tabasco on everything.
15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”, say “Well, I’ll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”
16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.
17. Name all of your children “Bubba”. (or just call ’em that!)
18. Use the word “reckon” in a sentence and watch their reaction.
19. “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.
20. Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin’ to do” something.
21. Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.
22. Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations…Offends the heck out of ’em.
23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”
24. Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ’em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.
25. Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.
-
Arkansas Vasectomy
After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos -
Which Feels Better Your Ear or Your Finger
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this — when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better — your ear or your finger?”
-
She Rolls Over and Plays Dead
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives.
“Does your wife ever … well, you know … does she … well, let you do it doggie style?” asked one of the two.
“Well, not exactly,” his friend replied, “She’s into the dog trick aspect of it.”
“Oh, I see. Kinky stuff, huh?”
“Well… not exactly. More like she rolls over and plays dead.”
