Tone: Sarcastic

Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Husbands, if your wife does something wrong

    Husbands, if your wife does something wrong, just explain to her how your mom did it.

    She will appreciate your advice and strive to do it as she did.

  • Make America Grate Again

    Donald Trump will ban the sale of shredded cheese. He wants to make America grate again.

  • Elderly Couple Pulled Over by a Cop From Arkansas

    An elderly couple driving get pulled over by a cop. The woman is behind the wheel, and is a bit hard of hearing.

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    The cop: “Ma’am, you were speeding.”

    She turns to her husband: “What? What did he say?”

    He shouts into her ear: “You were speeding!”

    The cop: “Your license, please.”

    Once again, she turns to her husband: “What did he say?”

    He shouts even louder into her ear: “Give him your license!”

    She hands it over.

    The cop looks at it and says: “Oh, you’re from Arkansas. I remember being there once… and having the absolute worst sex of my life.”

    The woman: “What? What did he say?”

    The husband shouts into her ear: “He said he knows you!”

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  • What To Do With Your Opinion

    What To Do With Your Opinion

    What To Do With Your Opinion

    1. Unwrap your opinion.

    2. Moisten your opinion with water or water-based lubricating jelly (such as KY Brand).

    3. Lie on your left side and bend your right knee up towards your chest. Gently push your opinion into your rectum so that is deep enough to not come out.

  • Muslim Band And Mexican Mall

    Muslim Band And Mexican Mall

    TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

    “Band? We thought you said ban”

    TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

  • Spell Way

    A husband got home early from work. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, sat in his favorite recliner and put the TV on a game!

    His wife got home late from work! She immediately started dinner, the laundry and vacuuming!

    As she walked by, her husband grabbed her hand and asked, “What are the chances of me getting laid tonight?”

    She said, “Spell way!”

    He replied, “W-A-Y!”

    She said, “You forgot the F.”

    He said, “There is no F in way!”

    His wife replied, “Exactly!”

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  • The Top 13 Paris Hilton Pet Peeves

    13> Those nouveau riche morons who have absolutely no sense of decorum.

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    12> Can never remember the name of that guy she slept with in London. If only there were some way to make a record of when that happened.

    11> Olfactory flashbacks from the Arkansas season of “The Simple Life.”

    10> People who ask you to sign stolen towels.

    9> Thinking that uncool and/or nonrich guys might be jerking off to her video.

    8> Getting a paper cut from the envelope while forwarding your $375,000 Amex bill to Dad.

    7> Always had to milk the ugly cow during the first season of “The Simple Life.”

    6> Jerk waiters who think they’re better than you just because they know how to read those stupid menus.

    5> Andy Warhol’s ghost constantly showing up with a stop watch.

    4> “Since that pudge skank Nicole lost all that weight, now I look like a *fat* size 4.”

    3> When you go to buy a new Bentley and they don’t have one with an interior that complements your dog’s Prada rain slicker?

    2> Caterpillars that crawl in one ear and take, like, an hour before crawling out the other side.

    And Topfive.com’s Number 1 Paris Hilton Pet Peeve…

    1> No Nobel prize for skankery.

    [The Top 5 List www.topfive.com]
    [Copyright 2005 by Chris White]

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  • The Ex-Wife and the Coffee Catch-Up

    A man bumps into his ex-wife after not talking for many years, and they decide to grab a coffee together and catch up.

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    “So,” says the man, “I heard you got remarried.”

    “That’s right,” she says.

    The man smirks. “And how does he like your sorry excuse for cooking?”

    “Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says.

    “And how does he like your god-awful blowjobs?”

    “Oh, he likes them just fine,” she says.

    “Yeah? And how does he like that tired, worn-out old pussy?”

    “Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says. “Once he gets past the tired, worn-out part.”

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  • Dont Like Me Calling You At Work

    Dont Like Me Calling You At Work

  • The Italian Souvenir

    A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

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    “Thank you, honey,” she says. “Is there anything I can bring back for you?” He laughs and says, “An Italian girl.”

    When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

    “Very good,” she replies.

    “And what happened to my present?” he asks.

    Confused, she replies, “Which present?”

    “The one I asked for, the Italian girl,” he answers.

    With a sly grin, she replies, “Oh, that. I did what I could, but we’ll just have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

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