I’m confused by those ads where a duck is trying to sell people disability insurance by quacking, “AFLAC!” at them. If instead he just yelled, “Duck!” I bet most debilitating injuries could be avoided altogether. I’m on to your scam, Mr. Insurance Duck!
Tone: satirical
Satirical humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Corporate Incompetence: Millions for Failure
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??
A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
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Darwin Awards: Stupidity’s Most Honorable Achievement
1998 Darwin Awards
They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award — It’s an annual honor given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event.
The Darwin Awards Nominees:
1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran,” according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a 200-foot high cliff on his daily run.
3. Buxton, NC: A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel Jones, 21, dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while about 200 people looked on. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20, was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.
6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed in February in Selbyville, Del., as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.
8. AUGUSTA, ME — Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and cuts on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick’s first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off. Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. “I’m still not sure why I did it,” she said later. “I was really close to the car, so I didn’t think anyone would see. Besides, it couldn’t have been for more than two seconds.” However, cab driver Vegas did see, and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran’s teeth. The crash of the cab against the building made her jump, tearing Corcoran’s gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick’s hand. Moeller’s wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.
9. TAOS, NM — A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts. Her English was so bad she had to draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors’ suspicions. Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum, being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a sour-tasting foam. She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth, throat, and stomach with no ill effects.
10. TACOMA, WA — Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of cable had been left near the railing. Bingham’s leg and the other end was tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy river water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. “All I can say,” said Bingham, “is that God was watching out for me on that night. There’s just no other explanation for it.” Bingham’s foot was never located.
11. On February 3, 1990, a Renton, Washington man tried to commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1) The target was H&J Leather & Firearms, a gun shop;
2) The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places;
3) To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked patrol car parked at the front door;
4) An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn’t fire. No one else was hurt.12. In France, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman, and was taken to hospital, where he died — of hypothermia.
DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS
(1) In Guthrie, Okla., in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede with a shot from his .22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.
(2) In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his house.
(3) Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of dynamite that blew up in their car. While driving around at 2 AM, the bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window was closed.
AND THE WINNER IS….
Japan Times — April 16, 1997: “The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of ‘Pumping’,” a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima hospital told reporters.
“If this perversion catches on, it will destroy the cream of Thailand’s manhood.” He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak had been rushed into the hospital’s emergency room.
“Most ‘Pumpers’ use a standard bicycle pump,” he explained, “inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. This act is a sin against God.”
It appears that the young Charnchai took it further still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn’t exciting enough for him, so he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it, so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in. Not realizing how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot.
As a result, he died virtually instantly, leaving passers-by still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight fireworks display, and started clapping.
“We still haven’t located all of him”, say the police authorities.
“When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like an atom bomb went off or something.”
“Pumping is the devil’s pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,” Ratchasima concluded.
“Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you.”
Let’s hear it for Charnchai Puanmuangpak, the NEW 1998 undisputed Darwin Award recipient!
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The Complete Set
Color-coded stripes, each affirming a different racial identity. Includes everyone. Even the white stripe.
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Judge’s Taste in Justice Gets Feathered
The man stood before the judge, accused of killing an endangered whooping crane.
The man argued that he thought it was a common Sandhill crane — not endangered — and convinced the judge. The judge dismissed the case. As the man was leaving the courtroom the judge, being an avid bird hunter himself, asked what the whooping crane tasted like.
“It tastes like Bald Eagle”, said the man.
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NASCAR Thrills Without Leaving Home
How to Turn Your House into the NASCAR Experience
I’ve been to Nascar races at Charlotte, Rockingham, and the track at North Wilkesboro. This is what I learned.
If you’re like me, you’d like to attend more Nascar races, but you don’t have the time or money to go. So I put together a list of things you can do to your home so you and your friends can enjoy the race as if you were there.
1. Invite 15 to 20 of your closest friends to your house for the race. Make everyone dress in shirts and hats with their favorite driver on them. But don’t invite them to show up the day of the race, invite them to come over on Friday for qualifying and camp out for the weekend.
2. Some of your friends will show up in cars, and some will rent a U-haul truck. A few of them will pool their money together and get an RV. Stand outside with two flashlights and direct traffic to the grassy areas in your front yard. Charge everybody 8 bucks to park except the RV. Charge them 15 bucks for the weekend cause they’re twice as big.
3. Since they’re not allowed to use your kitchen, make your buddies do all their cooking on the beat-up barbeque grill they brought in the U-Haul. The friends that didn’t bring a grill can build a campfire. They’ll cut down several of the limbs on the Oak tree in your yard for firewood.
4. When the guys need more ice for their beer coolers, charge them 3 dollars for a one-dollar bag of ice.
5. Tell your friends they can’t use the bathroom in the house. They have to use the port-a-john you rented for the weekend and placed off the driveway.
6. If any females in the neighborhood drive or walk by your house and stare at the congregation of people in the yard, hold up a crudely made cardboard sign that says “SHOW ME YOUR TITS!”
7. On Saturday, have everyone climb on top of the RV to sunbathe and drink while listening to coverage of the Busch race.
8. When the booze runs out, send someone on a beer run with the four-wheeler one of your friends brought in his truck.
9. After the party winds down, let ’em crash in the back of the U-haul on some old mattresses and sleeping bags. Or they can sleep in their car.
10. On Sunday morning have the friend with the loudest car stereo system crank up some Lynyrd Skynyrd so loud that it wakes up all your friends. It will also annoy the neighbors down the street.
11. Nutrition is important, so start your race day with Pop-tarts and beer for breakfast.
12. Finally it’s time for the big race. Take all the comfortable furniture out of your living room. Then put in twenty metal folding chairs in rows of five with a narrow aisle down the middle.
13. Before letting them in, inspect all your friends’ coolers to make sure they don’t have more than a 12 pack. Make them store the coolers under their seats.
14. Space the chairs tightly together so no one has any leg room. That way when someone wants to go to the bathroom everyone has to get up to let ’em by.
15. When driver introductions are on television, stand up and give the finger to the driver you hate. If it’s Jeff Gordon, put down your beer and use both hands.
16. Run the television signal through your stereo system and turn the volume up so loud it sounds like the cars are in the room. Have everyone wear AM radio headphones tuned to the race. When you want to talk to the guy sitting next to you, scream at the top of your lungs so they can hear you.
17. To recreate the Men’s room at a typical Nascar track, let your friends pee in the bathtub to simulate the urine trough. Then throw an entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet so if anybody tries to flush it will overflow. To avoid the long line in the bathroom, some of your friends will pee in the sink.
18. Walk up and down the aisle in the living room with a food tray. When one of your friends wants something to eat, offer them a 32-ounce Pepsi for 4 dollars and a small serving of nacho chips with melted cheese for another 5 bucks.
19. When there’s a wreck, immediately stand up to see the tv better, forcing the people behind you to stand also. If it’s a driver you hate, cheer for the accident. If the driver’s in a close up, start chanting “YOU SUCK! YOU SUCK!” as if he can actually hear you.
20. Turn up the thermostat in your house until it’s unbearably hot. Your friends will take off their shirts because they’re sweating profusely. Use this as an opportunity to sell them some more 4-dollar sodas and five-buck Miller Lite tallboys.
21. At the end of the race, have the Dale Jr. fan pick on the Jeff Gordon fan by accusing Gordon of intentionally knocking Junior into the wall to win the race. After the alcohol-fueled fistfight breaks out, call the cops and have the two drunks hauled away without their shirts.
22. Once the race coverage is over, leave all your trash on the floor next to your chair. Since the seats are so close together, your friends will ruin your carpet stepping on leftover nachos, peanut shells, half filled cups of Pepsi and empty beer cans.
23. Run out to the parking lot in your front yard. Then move your car to a spot that blocks all the other vehicles from exiting. Make your friends wait an hour or two before letting them leave. A number of them will relieve themselves in the yard during the wait due to all the beer they consumed during the race.
24. Before your friends go, they’ll throw the leftover trash in their cars on the ground where they parked.
25. The next day hire some Mexicans to clean up the yard and all the trash left in your living room. Then discover that someone puked on your azaleas.
If you follow the steps listed above, you’ll enjoy the race just as much as the people at the track. By the way, tickets are still available for the last fall race at Rockingham.
But don’t look for me there. I’ll be at home.
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Biker Seeks God’s Greatest Creation
Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Davidson, “Well, you’ve been such a good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
Davidson thinks about it and says, “I wanna hang out with God, Himself!”
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks God, “Hey, aren’t you the inventor of ‘Woman’?”
God says, “Ahhh, yes.”
“Well,” says Davidson, “You have some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There’s too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust“Hmmm…..” replies God, “hold on”
God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.
“It may be that my invention is flawed,” God replies to Arthur Davidson, “but according to My Computer, more guys are riding my invention than yours!”
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German Car Parts Get Hilariously Mistranslated Names
When the German language doesn’t have an existing word one can sometimes assemble a new one from bits they already have. Therefore non-british people who speak english should pronounce the german phonetically.
INDICATORS Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
BONNET Pullnob und Knucklechoppen
EXHAUST Spitzenpoppenhangentuben
SPEEDOMETER Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
CLUTCH Die Kuplink mit achlippen und schaken
PUNCTURE Die Phlatt mit Bludyfucken
LEARNER Die Twatten mit Elplate
ESTATE CAR Der Bagzeroomfurshagginaute
PARKING METER Der tennarpinscher und Zlochenarr
WINDSCREEN WIPER Der flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
POWER BRAKES Der edbangeronvinschreen stoppenquick
GEAR LEVER Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
FUEL GAUGE Der Walletemptyung Meter
BREATHALYSER Die Puffitinter fur Pistenarsen
REAR VIEW MIRROR Der Yonkunter ist Tooklosan
SEAT BELT Der klunkenklikken frauleinstrapper
HEADLIGHTS Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
EXHAUST FUMES Die Koffundschplitterpoluter
HIGHWAY CODE Der Wipen fur Arsen
FOG WARNING Die Puttenklogdownan und Fukkitt
TRAFFIC JAM Die Bluddifuckin Dammundblast
REAR SEAT Der Schpringentester
TYRES Flatfahrts
BACKFIRE Der Lowdenbangermekkenjumpen
JUGGERNAUT Der Fukkengratt Trukken
ACCIDENT Das Bleedinkmess
NEAR ACCIDENT Der Phewn Near Schittenselfen
GARAGE Der Hieway Robberung
CYCLIST Der Peddallpushink Pilloken
SKID Die Bannanen Waltzen
DOUBLE WHITE LINES Overtaken und Krunchen.
