Tone: satirical

Satirical humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

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    13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.

    12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.

    11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.

    10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.

    9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”

    8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.

    7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.

    6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.

    5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
    Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy

    4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”

    3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.

    2. “All your albums are belong to me!”

    1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

  • FAQ for Women About Men

    The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

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    Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
    A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

    Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
    A: YES. Before if possible.

    Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
    A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

    Q: How long should the sex act last?
    A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

    Q: What is “afterplay”?
    A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

    Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
    A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

    Q: What about the female orgasm?
    A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.

  • Check and Chuck

    The FDA announced today the approval of a new birth control product. The package combines an Early Pregnancy Test kit (or EPT) with the new French abortion pill, RU-486.

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    The product will be marketed by Dow Chemical under the shelf name of “Check and Chuck!!”

  • No Math at All

    All over China, parents tell their children to stop complaining and to finish their quadratic equations and trigonometric functions because there are sixty-five million American kids going to bed with no math at all.

  • Catch a Coyote at His Age

    This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind legs and starts screwing it.

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    “Oh my God!” she exclaims and drives into town to find the local law. She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town bar.

    “It figures,” she says as she storms inside.

    The first thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard sitting in the corner jacking off.

    She runs up to the sheriff who’s sitting at the bar with his drink. “What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal… and then… I come in here… and see this old man in the corner jacking off right in public!”

    “Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “You don’t expect him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”

  • Hitler Video Games

    Hitler Video Games

    September 1st, 1939 (colorized) Hitler playing his first video games that caused him to be violent and start WW2.

  • Dog Not Taking Chances

    Dog Not Taking Chances

    The dog knows he’s done nothing wrong but he’s black so he not taking any chances with the police

  • Black Highlighters CIA

    Black Highlighters CIA

    CIA Realizes It’s Been Using Black Highlighters All These Years

  • Republican Replacement Obamacare

    Republican Replacement Obamacare

    Say what you will about Donald Trump, but injecting bleach and shining sunlight up our butts is the most detailed Republican replacement for Obamacare I’ve heard so far.

  • Britain Colonised The Universe

    Britain Colonised The Universe

    When you realise everyone in the Marvel Universe speaks English, which means that Britain must’ve colonised the entire universe

    *Laughs in British*