This could be us but we’re not douchebags.
Tone: self-deprecating
Self-deprecating humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Not Even a Global Pandemic Wants You
When you haven’t caught COVID and you realize not even a global pandemic wants you.
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She gave me permission
My wife said I could be an idiot sometimes.
I think it was pretty cool of her to give me permission.
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I stand corrected
I thought physical therapy was a big scam until I finally went to one for my lower back.
I stand corrected.
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He ripped me off
You know that guy who made the movie “Super Size Me,” in which he gained 31 pounds after eating nothing but McDonald’s food for an entire month? That dude totally ripped me off. I did it first, except he filmed it or something.
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Pissing Skittles
Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after I had spent three days eating nothing but beets and asparagus, and downing enough Karo syrup to kill a horse, that I realized maybe it was actually during a dream when I came up with my super-secret formula for “pissing Skittles.”
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My nose starts pointing skyward
While I love my renewed confidence now that I had the doctor transfer pubic hair to my bald scalp, the only side effect seems to be that whenever I talk to a pretty girl, my nose starts pointing skyward.
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Recruit a few disciples
When I face a problem, I stop and ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” It works. Drinking wine, sitting around talking, drinking more wine, telling parables, drinking more wine, and talking to God really does pretty much solve any problem I have. Now if only I could recruit a few disciples.
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Help me out here
It’s really cool when you and your girlfriend finish each other’s sentences. It sucks, though, when you break up and discover you’re no longer capable of speaking in complete… uh… help me out here…
