Tone: shocking

Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • David and the Nasty Parrot

    For his birthday, David got a parrot. But this wasn’t your average, sweet-talking bird — oh no. This parrot was fully grown, had a nasty attitude, and a mouth worse than a sailor on bad coffee. Every other word was rude, offensive, or downright unrepeatable. David tried everything to fix this feathered menace. He spoke kindly to it, played soft music, even tried classical music — nothing worked.

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    The more polite David was, the more disrespectful the parrot became. He yelled, it yelled louder. He threatened it, it cursed him out. It was like living with a feathery little gangster.

    One day, at his wit’s end, David lost it. In desperation, he gently shoved the parrot into the freezer for a few seconds — just to cool him off.

    The bird went wild — squawking, scratching, kicking the door — then suddenly… silence.

    Panicked, David flung open the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out, eyes wide and feathers frosty, and said in the most polite tone: “Sir, I deeply apologize for my past behavior. I have seen the error of my ways and will make every effort to be a model citizen from now on. Please forgive me.”

    David stood stunned. Before he could speak, the parrot leaned forward and whispered, “May I ask, what exactly did the poor chicken do?”

  • The Priest, the Nun, and the Golf Game

    A priest and a nun are playing golf when the priest badly misses his shot, leaving himself blocked by trees and in deep rough.

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    Frustrated, the priest grumbles, “Fuck I missed.”

    The nun, taken aback, says to the priest, “Father, you are a man of the cloth. You shouldn’t speak that way.”

    Annoyed, the priest brushes off the nun and tries to recover with his next shot rather than punching the ball back into the fairway. He takes a big swing, makes great contact, and almost succeeds with the high-risk shot, but winds up short and deeply embedded in the sand trap. Immediately, he exclaims even louder, “Fuck I missed!”

    This time the nun isn’t having it, so she turns to him and says, “Father, if you continue to speak like that, may God strike you down!”

    The priest brushes it off again with a “Yeah, sure, whatever,” and proceeds to try to blast the ball out of the sand trap but barely moves it a few inches, this time shouting, “Fuck I missed!”

    Almost immediately the sky darkens and clouds roll in. A low rumble builds and a thick bolt of lightning comes crashing from the sky, vaporizing the nun right where she stands!

    Then a deep voice from the clouds exclaims, “FUCK… I missed!”

  • The Police Dog Fetch

    Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.

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    One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”

    The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”

    Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.

  • Every Week You Get New Matches

    In other news, there’s a new dating app that caters to arsonists.

    Every week you get new matches!

  • The Worst Lover in the World

    A man and a woman are lying together in the afterglow following sex.

    The woman says, “You must be the worst lover in the world.”

    The man defensively replies, “Oh yeah? Well, how did you figure that out in fifteen seconds?”

  • The Little Bugger and the Condoms

    Neil was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily. “What’s up Neil?” asked the bartender. “It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”

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    “It’s my four year old son…” Neil replied.

    “Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it; it happens to boys that age,” said the bartender, sympathetically.

    “I only wish it was that,” said Neil, “but it’s far worse than that. The little toad has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

    “Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the bartender.

    “It’s not,” said Neil. “The little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

  • Penny in Sunday School

    Penny was never the best Sunday school student. She was always falling asleep in class and getting into trouble.

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    “Penny,” the Sunday school teacher asked, one dozing day. “Who created the universe?”

    When she didn’t stir, Mark, who sat behind her, poked her in the rear with his pencil.

    “God Almighty!” shouted Penny, and the teacher said, “Very good.”

    A while later the teacher asked, “Penny, who is our savior?” But again Penny didn’t stir from her slumber.

    Mark poked her again with his pencil. “JESUS Christ!” exclaimed Penny.

    “Very well done,” said the teacher, impressed by her enthusiasm.

    Then after she fell asleep again the teacher asked her a third question: “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?” and again, Mark jabbed her with the pencil.

    This time Penny jumped up and shouted, “I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I’LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!!”

    The teacher fainted.

  • Little Johnny Uses a Big Word

    Little Johnny was asked to use the word “obituary” in a sentence by the teacher…

    So Johnny thought for a second and then said, “Oh bitch, you worry about me finishing my homework too much!”

  • A Stop on the Bridge

    Two plump women were leaving a bar after a night of some heavy drinking. The full moon shone in a cloudless sky. They had gone a few blocks and were about to cross a small bridge when one of them said she needed to take a dump.

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    “It’s only a few more blocks, you can hold it,” the other replied.

    “No I can’t, if I don’t go now I will shit my panties,” said the first.

    “Well there isn’t anywhere with privacy but you know if you hop up on the railing and hang your ass over you can go in the water and anyone coming by will just think we’re sitting talking,” suggested the second.

    “That sounds good, help me up,” replied the first.

    She pulled down her panties, hiked up her dress and climbed up hanging her butt over the railing.

    Her friend leaned over the side, staring down at the water and started laughing.

    “Oh my God, Mary,” she howled, “you just shit on a guy in a canoe.”