Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
The FDA announced today the approval of a new birth control product. The package combines an Early Pregnancy Test kit (or EPT) with the new French abortion pill, RU-486.
The product will be marketed by Dow Chemical under the shelf name of “Check and Chuck!!”
A young boy was watching TV with his father while his mother prepared the dinner in the kitchen. After a while, the kid wanders into the kitchen and asks, “Mummy, are the Spice Girls robots?”
His mother replies, “No, dear, they aren’t. Why do you ask?”
“Well, daddy just said that he’d like to screw the arse off the black one.”
These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said, “What’s that board for?”
The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”
They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”
The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”
“Okay,” they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said, “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”
The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”
“Yeah,” said the guy.
“Where is he?” asked the trader.
“I shot him,” said the guy.
“Why?”
“I caught him in bed with my board.”
This guy is driving through California and picks up a hitchhiker. They continue down the road until they come upon a sheep with its head caught in the fence. The driver, overcome with emotion, pulls off the road and says, “Oh, I can’t just drive past without doing something about this… I’ll be right back.”
He gets out of the car, goes up to the sheep, and starts fucking it from behind. When done, he walks back to the car and gets in.
The California guy goes, “Damn! I’ve never seen anything like that.”
The driver says, “You ought to try it, it’s fantastic.”
The California guy goes, “…Yea, it did look like a lot of fun, what the hell, I’ll do it!”
He gets out of the car, walks over to the fence, and sticks his head through it.
One afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was slow that day, so he decided to go over to Spiderman’s house.
Supe: “Hey Spidey, let’s go get a burger and a beer!”
Spidey: “No can do, Supe. I’ve got a problem with my web-shooter. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”
So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave.
Supe: “Hey, Batman! Let’s go get a burger and a beer!”
Batman: “Not today, my friend. The BatMobile is down and it’s gotta be fixed. Can’t fight crime tomorrow without it.”
Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air. Cruising around, he flies over a penthouse apartment balcony where none other than Wonder Woman is lying, spread-eagle and stark-naked. Supe gets a brilliant idea: “They’ve always said I’m faster than a speeding bullet and I’ve always wondered what she’d be like with all her Wonder Powers.”
So he zooms down, does her in a flash and is gone before anyone can notice. All of a sudden Wonder Woman sits up and says, “What was that?!”
The Invisible Man gets off her and replies, “I don’t know, but my ass hurts like hell!”
This kid walks into a whorehouse dragging a dead frog on a string behind him. The kid walks up to the Madame and says that he wants a girl.
The Madame says to the kid, “Sorry… You are too young.”
The kid promptly puts a $100 bill on the counter and the Madame says, “One girl coming right up…”
As the Madame starts walking away the kid says, “Hold on a minute… I need a girl with active herpes.”
The Madame says, “Sorry kid… All my girls are clean.”
The kid promptly places another $100 bill on the table and the Madame says, “One dirty lady coming right up!!!”
The kid goes upstairs, fucks the girl, and when he comes back down the Madame can’t help but ask, “Why did you want a girl with active herpes?”
The kid replied, “You see… it goes like this… I went up, fucked that girl and got the herpes. I’ll go home and my babysitter will be there and I’ll fuck my babysitter and she’ll get the herpes. Then my dad will come home and take the babysitter home and fuck the babysitter and he’ll get the herpes. Then he’ll come home and fuck my mum and SHE’LL get the herpes. Tomorrow morning my dad will go to work at 8 AM. At nine the milkman comes… and HE’S the bastard that killed my frog!!!!!”
I really enjoy taking out the trash from my new home. It’s hard to explain, but walking the trash to the curb the night before trash day really makes me feel like a homeowner. Especially now that I’ve taken out the bodies of the previous owners.
A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.
He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. But something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.
“Oh man, that’s fuckin nasty!” he thought, but he said nothing and continued. Five minutes later he came up with a pea.
“Christ! I can’t take this much more. There’s something wrong with this bitch.” But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no longer.
“Fuck! I can’t do this anymore! I’m gonna throw up!”
“That’s funny,” the hooker said, “That’s what the last guy did.”
“Doc, I think my son has VD,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.”
“Okay, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the medic soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”
“But I’ve been screwing the maid too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”
“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife has it too.”
“Oh crap!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve all got it!”
It’s called chloroform … you’ll love it. It’s like aromatherapy but without all the struggling.
