Once again Mr. Foley figures that he saves nearly twenty dollars per year on Halloween candy.
Tone: shocking
Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Pickup Lines That Will Get You Rejected
70 pickup lines
1. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
2. Do you want to see something swell?
3. Hey babe…do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
4. Drop ’em!
5. What do you like for breakfast?
6. Excuse me. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
7. Wanna fuck like bunnies?
8. Say, did we go to different schools together?
9. Why don’t you come over here, sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up?
10. I had a friend who used to hand out phone cards that said: “Smile if you want to sleep with me.” And watch them try to hold back their laugh.
11. Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
12. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
13. Would you like to dance or should I go fuck myself again?
14. Hey baby, let’s go make some babies.
15. At the office copy machine. “Reproducing eh?” “Can I help?”
16. Would you like Gin and platonic or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
17. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
18. Hey babe…can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
19. Hey babe…can you suck start a Harley?
20. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, “I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum.”
21. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a fuck? HEY! What’s wrong, don’t you like pizza?
22. A woman asks, “Excuse me, do you have the time?” You: “Do you have the energy?”
23. Hey babe, wanna get LUCKY!?
24. Say mother, want another? (if she has kids)
25. Bond. James Bond.
26. Do you spit or swallow?
27. You look like the type of girl that has heard every line in the book. So what’s one more?
28. Your place or mine?
29. Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
30. You have some nice jewelry. It would look great on my nightstand.
31. Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
32. Your face or MINE!?
33. “Are you ready to go home yet?”
34. If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
35. When she asks, for a match. How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
36. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
37. I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
38. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let’s play gynecologist.
39. Wanna play carnival? You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh.
40. I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
41. I’m on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
42. I’d look good on you.
43. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?
44. I’d give you a piece of my mind, but I have more of something else.
45. I would kill or die to make love to you.
46. Sex is a killer…want to die happy?
47. I love every bone in your body – especially mine.
48. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
49. HI! Can I buy you a car?
50. NOW, BITCH!
51. Fancy a fuck?
52. My face is leaving in 10 minutes. Be on it.
53. Should I call you in the morning or nudge you?
54. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
55. Fuck me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your name Gretchen?
56. I’m Irish. Do you have any Irish in you? Would you like some?
57. Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
58. Look at the tag in her shirt and say: “I want to see if you were really made in heaven.”
59. Do I know you from somewhere, because I don’t recognize you with your clothes on?
60. You got nice breasts, but what color are your nipples? Brown or Pink?
61. Do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Have you ever had your belly-button licked?…(Yes)…From the inside?
62. Your legs must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.
63. If your right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Easter, would you let me spend some time up between the holidays?
64. Hi, how are you?
65. Do you have a mirror in your pocket? (Why?) ‘Cause I could see myself in your pants.
66. Really like your peaches, wanna shake your tree.
67. Hi, my name is {name}, I like peanut butter, wanna fuck?
68. I am a magical being, take off your bra.
69. Hey baby, wanna go halves on a bastard?
70. Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
71. Hold out two fingers and say: “Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?” (I don’t know.) “‘Cause they’re mine sweetheart.”
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Dark Humor Warning: Shocking Punchline Ahead
This guy and this girl are rampantly having sex. During a lull in the passion, the guy asks the girl to turn over.
“Why?” asks the girl.
“Because I want to try something different,” says the guy.
“That’s perverted!” says the girl.
“What did you say?” asks the guy.
“I said that’s perverted.”
“I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure I heard properly – what did you say?”
“I said that’s perverted.”
“Shit,” says the guy, “that’s a big word for a five year-old.”
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Adios Card
Can you grab a card on the way home? My coworker’s mom died
Loss of Loved One
ADIOS!
Loss of Loved One
what the fuck is wrong with you?
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Darwin Award Winners at Metallica Concert
Darwin Strikes Again
Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in a pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.
According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later.
They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side. Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife.
The “soft” bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.
Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence.
This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.
“So that’s how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be” said Commissioner Appleton.
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If Loving You Is Wrong
If loving you is wrong, then baby, it goes a long way towards explaining the concussion and crushed left testicle.
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Whoopee Cushion Gravy
A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke
