Tone: shocking

Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • A Quiet Night in the Parking Spot

    A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.

    Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.

    “Yes, officer?”

    “What are you doing?”

    “Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”

    Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”

    The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”

    The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!

    “What’s your age, young man?”

    “I’m 22, sir.”

    “And her, what’s her age?”

    The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”

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  • Did You Call for Me

    A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A nice looking redhead walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?” The man replies, “No, what do you mean?” She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.” Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

    The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts and within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him and says, “Did you call for me?” The newcomer replies, “No, what do you mean?” The hairy man replies, “You must be new. It’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.” The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

    The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist and she says, “May I help you?” The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee!” She replies, “But Sir, you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.” The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m an older guy. I only get an erection once a month and I fart 35 times a day.”

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  • Oral Sex Aint Much Fun

    A hillbilly couple is lying in bed.

    Otis turns to his wife and says, “Fuck you.”

    A minute goes by and then Rita Mae turns to Otis and says, “Fuck you.”

    Another couple of minutes pass and Otis says, “Fuck you” again to his wife.

    This back and forth goes on for a bit longer when Otis finally turns to his wife and says, “You know, oral sex ain’t much fun.”

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  • No Fuck No Ride

    A truck driver and his pet parrot were hauling a load of chickens. He stopped to pick up an attractive hitchhiker, swung the door open and asked, “You want a lift?”

    “Yes, thank you!” she said and started to climb in when the parrot exclaimed, “Wanna fuck?”

    “No!” she answered and the parrot screeched, “No fuck no ride!” and fluttered like crazy, scaring the hitchhiker off.

    The truck driver was appalled and told the parrot he should be ashamed of himself and not to let it happen again. The parrot squawked his call of agreement and nodded his head.

    Further down the road they happened upon another hitchhiker – this time a musician with a guitar on his back.

    The trucker stopped, swung the door open and said, “Howdy, stranger! That sure is a nice guitar. Need a lift?”

    “Sure do, thanks, mister,” he answered but once again the parrot screeched, “Wanna fuck? No fuck no ride!” and the trucker sped off, embarrassed and furious at his parrot.

    “Damn it, bird! What did I say about this earlier? If you pull that stunt one more time I’m gonna throw you in the back with the chickens!” The parrot squawked, “All right, all right, not again.”

    Several miles down the road they saw another hitchhiker and the trucker gave the parrot a stern look but the parrot did the same thing all over again and the trucker had finally had enough.

    He threw the parrot in the back with the chickens, convinced the hitchhiker it was all a misunderstanding and to accept his offer for a ride and had a pleasant conversation as they headed down the road.

    Just before they reached the next town the trucker noticed a police car, lights on and siren wailing, pulling up beside him and ordering him to pull over.

    “What seems to be the problem, officer?” the trucker asked. “I wasn’t speeding, I have all my numbers and my load is secure.”

    The trooper yelled, “Secure load? You have a 12-mile trail of chickens being chucked out the back by a parrot yelling ‘No Fuck, No Ride!’”

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  • Little Johnny and the Mortgage

    Little Johnny wanted a $200 bike, but his dad shut him down fast:

    “Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage and I just got fired. No bike. Period.”

    Two days later, Johnny is at the front door with a suitcase, looking like he’s moving to Mexico.

    His dad asks, “Where the heck are you going?”

    Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says:

    “Look, I walked past your bedroom this morning. I heard you tell Mom you were ‘pulling out,’ and Mom said she was ‘coming too.’ Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m leaving now because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one left here to pay off that $80,000 mortgage!”

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  • The Leprechaun Wish at the World Cup

    England had made the FIFA World Cup final, but poor Nigel was absolutely gutted. Due to a spate of bad financial luck, he had to cancel his plans to travel across the pond and cheer on his countrymen in person.

    While sulking on a walk, he spotted a four-leaf clover.

    “Maybe my luck has turned,” he said hopefully to himself.

    He picked it up, and suddenly, a little leprechaun with a bushy red beard appeared. It did a little dance and sang: “Hiya! I’m Happy McTavish, the magical leprechaun! It’s yer lucky fuckin’ day! Make yourself a wish, and I’ll grant it straight away! He-he-he!”

    Nigel didn’t hesitate. “I wish to be on the pitch with England in the World Cup final!”

    “DONE!”

    The leprechaun snapped its fingers, and a moment later, Nigel was on the pitch. It was all he could do to not burst into tears. Then Nigel thought – Hold on. Where are my arms and legs?

    Then BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face.

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  • May I Speak to Mr. Green

    A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone…

    “Can I speak to Mr. Green, please?” a little voice at the other end asks.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist says, “Mr. Green died last week.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist says, “I’m pretty sure you called yesterday, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice responds again, then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone once again rings, and the same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist is getting quite annoyed at this point. “Look, I know you’re the same person who called the last two days, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead! What about that don’t you understand!”

    The little voice responds, “Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love to hear you say it.”

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  • Keep an Eye Out

    A man walks into a brothel and says he wants an experience like he’s never had before.

    The lady behind the desk nods with a devious smile and says room 2. The man enters the room and sees a very plain looking middle aged woman. She comes over to him and pops out her eyeball from the socket and says, “In here.” He has the most incredible experience of his entire life by far. As he was leaving he said, “Oh my God, I must see you again.”

    She said, “I’ll keep an eye out for you!”

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  • The Frat Bro and the Nuns

    Two frat bros are walking along when they see a group of nuns walking up the opposite side of the street.

    After a little bit of a ruckus, one of the young men runs across the road and approaches the nuns.

    “Excuse me, are you the head nun?” he asks the lead nun sheepishly.

    “Yes, my son. I am the Mother Superior of the convent. What can I do for you?” she replies with a curious grin.

    “Well ma’am, I have a strange question. But, umm, are any of your nuns midgets?” he spits out. Seeing her shocked face, he continues. “You know, maybe a dwarf, pygmy, something like that?”

    “My son,” she calmly states, “we would welcome anyone into our convent, regardless of stature. But no, we currently have no sisters that are little people.”

    And with that the frat bro turns to his buddy, who is still on the other side of the road, and hollers, “Hey Gary, I told you ya fucked a penguin last night!”

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