Shocking humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. The other calls 911, panicking: “I’m out hunting with my friend. He just fell over, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he’s not breathing. I think he’s dead! What can I do?”
The operator calmly replies: “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.” The phone gets quiet at the 911 emergency services’ end for a few seconds, then a gunshot is heard.
The caller returns: “OK, that’s taken care of — now what?”
So, this guy (let’s call him Tom) goes and buys a secondhand motor bike, and the man who sells it to him mentions that the clutch can be a little tight but there’s a trick, “Whenever you see rain coming, just put a little Vaseline on the clutch cables and it’ll keep it working smoothly. Here’s the half a jar I have left.” And he hands him a jar of Vaseline that has obviously been put through the paces.
Tom buys the bike and goes for a drive on this… perfect day. He picks up a hitchhiking gorgeous woman at some point, and when he drops her off, she invites him to come to her house later for a family dinner at around 7pm.
At 7 on the dot, Tom shows up to the babe’s house, rings the bell, and the woman he gave a ride to earlier in the day answers the door looking even sexier than she did earlier (if that’s even possible.) Before letting him in, she mentions that this will be a quiet dinner because the rule is, that whoever talks first will have to do the dishes. He walks in quietly, the entrance leads to the living room. There’s dirty dishes everywhere: The coffee table, the shelf, on top of the fireplace, on top of the T.V (yeah, this happened back when there were tops of Televisions…). From the living room into the kitchen, and the counters had dirty dishes piled up to the ceiling. The only clean area was the dining table, and plates were set. The babe shows Tom to his seat, and everybody starts eating quietly…
His date starts caressing his leg from under the table, slowly making her way to, well you know. Things get very arousing, and well, he doesn’t want to clean the dishes but he’s losing it… Eventually, he can’t take it anymore, so he grabs her, throws her on the table, rips her pants off and that he has his way with her, right there on the kitchen table in front of God and everybody. No one says a word. They sit back down and everybody goes back to eating like nothing happened. Shortly thereafter, his date’s sister starts playing footsies with him under the table. Tom grabs the sister, throws her on the table, and has his way with her as well. The mother then starts unbuttoning her blouse, and eating in very suggesting ways, so Tom throws the mother on the table and has his way with her as well. No one says a word…
After that, Tom was rather spent, and he looks outside, you could barely see through the dirty dishes and out the window, but it looked like rain was coming. So he reaches out in his jacket pocket, and pulls out his jar of Vaseline (thinking of his clutch)…
The father springs up into action immediately and says, “Alright, alright, put that thing away, I’ll do the fucking dishes!”
Mike told Sarah he had the strangest dream last night.
She asked what happened.
He said he died and was walking up this huge staircase to heaven.
She replied, “Okay… that’s already intense.”
He continued that at the bottom they handed him a piece of chalk.
Sarah asked, “Chalk? For what?”
Mike explained they said, “Mark a step for every sin you’ve committed.”
She said, “Wow… that’s terrifying.”
He replied, “Yeah… I only got a few steps up…”
She asked, “And then?”
Mike said, “Then I saw you… running down the stairs.”
Sarah exclaimed, “WHAT?! Why was I going down?!”
Mike answered, “…to get more chalk.”
