A kid went away to college and grew a goatee, and was very proud of it. He took a selfie and sent it to his dad with a note:
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Unleash ChaosTone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Not What It Looks Like
So a girl walks in and catches her boyfriend masturbating to an optical illusion. “What the hell are you doing?” she screams.
And he says, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like.”
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Wrong on So Many Levels
Did you hear about the elevator operator that kept making mistakes?
He was wrong on so many levels.
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The Skyscraper
A country guy visits New York City for the first time. He’s staring up at a tall skyscraper, quietly counting the floors.
A New Yorker notices and says, “Hey, buddy — around here, it’s a dollar for every floor you count.”
The country guy nods.
After a moment, the New Yorker asks, “So, how many floors did you count?”
“Ten,” the country guy says, handing over $10.
The New Yorker smirks and walks off.
A moment later, the country guy chuckles to himself and says, “Joke’s on him… I counted twenty.”
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A Brief Job
I worked as an underwear model…
It was just a brief job.
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One Hell of an Outdoorsman
A guy goes in for a physical; the doctor asks about his activity level. “What do you mean?” asks the guy.
The doctor says, “Well, for example, what did you do yesterday?”
The guy says, “Yesterday afternoon, I took a five-hour walk, about seven miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and in my eyes. I jumped three feet in the air when I almost stepped on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills and hacked my way through some tall grass. After that I was so exhausted and dehydrated, I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor says, “Sounds like you are one hell of an outdoorsman!”
And the guy says, “Actually, I’m just a really shitty golfer.”
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Tom Jones and the Siamese Twins
A pair of drop-dead gorgeous female Siamese twins who were joined at the hip saw the ad for the concert in the local paper. One of them said, “Hey, Tom Jones is in town! How would you like to go and see him?” They agreed to go, hoping they might get to meet him.
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Mothers Day Lowest Crime
Fin @gofinurself
My mom is a prosecutor and every year she brings up the fact that Mother’s Day is the day with the lowest crime. I think that says a lot about how many moms commit crimes throughout the year, but can’t today because they’re too busy being celebrated.
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Without a Tres
There was a Mexican magician. He said he’d disappear on the count of three. He said uno, dos, *poof*… he disappeared without a tres.
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The Potato in the Speedo
A guy is having trouble getting women’s attention at the beach. He tells the lifeguard:
“I’ve walked past every woman on this beach and none of them so much as glance my way. I’m even wearing my best Speedo to show off all the work I’ve put in at the gym. I don’t know what else to do.”
The lifeguard says, “Oh, that’s easy! Just put a potato in your Speedo and you’ll have all their eyes glued on you. Trust me.”
So the next day he does just that, and then goes to see the lifeguard:
“Hey man, so I did get a lot of looks, but not quite what I was expecting. They all looked completely disgusted and appalled, and not turned on at all.”
So the lifeguard looks down at his waist area:
“Okay, well, I guess I should have specified — you have to put the potato in the front of your Speedo.”
