Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
My husband is wonderful with our baby daughter, but often he turns to me for advice.
Recently, I was in the shower when he poked his head in to ask, “What should I feed Lily for lunch?”
“That’s up to you,” I replied. “There’s all kinds of food. Why don’t you pretend I’m not at home?”
A few minutes later, my cell phone rang. I answered it to hear my husband asking, “Yeah, hi, Honey. Uh… what should I feed Lily for lunch?”
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized Christmas was coming up and he had not yet purchased his daughter a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
The overwhelmed man asked, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious!” said the sales clerk. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, and Ken’s furniture.”
There are two little brothers, one is seven and the other is four. The seven year old convinces the four year old that they are old enough to swear now. He tells the four year old, “When we go downstairs, I will say, ‘Hell’ and you say ‘ass’.”
The four year old agrees. When they get downstairs, the mother asks the seven year old, “What do you want for breakfast?”
Seven year old, “Oh, hell, I’ll just have some Cheerios.”
Well, mother slaps the crap out of him and sends him to his room.
Then, she turns to the four year old — “What do you want for breakfast?”
The four year old is wide-eyed and says, “I’m not sure, but you can bet your ass it’s not going to be Cheerios!”
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it’s her turn, she climbs up on Santa’s lap. Santa asks, “What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?”
The little girl replies, “I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe.”
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, “I thought Barbie comes with Ken.”
“No,” says the little girl. “She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.”
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men’s toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn’t reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.
“I guess you must be in the fifth,” she said.
“No ma’am,” he replied, “I’m in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow.”
A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, “Is your mother or father at home?”
The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, “What do you think?”
