Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Heart Attack and the Closet

    A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

    He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

    “What’s up?” he says.

    “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

    He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

    The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

    Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

    “You rotten bastard,” says the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Farmer’s New Cock

    A farmer buys a young cock. As soon as he gets it home, it fucks all the farmer’s 150 hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunch the cock screws all 150 hens again.

    The next day it’s fucking the ducks and geese too. Later he finds the cock lying on the ground half-dead with vultures circling overhead.

    The farmer says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!” The cock opens one eye, points up, and says, “Shhhhhh. They’re about to land!!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Spell Way

    A husband got home early from work. He grabbed a beer from the fridge, sat in his favorite recliner and put the TV on a game!

    His wife got home late from work! She immediately started dinner, the laundry and vacuuming!

    As she walked by, her husband grabbed her hand and asked, “What are the chances of me getting laid tonight?”

    She said, “Spell way!”

    He replied, “W-A-Y!”

    She said, “You forgot the F.”

    He said, “There is no F in way!”

    His wife replied, “Exactly!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Being a Literalist

    Being a literalist can sometimes be very helpful.

    I can always respond to “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?” with a confident and honest “No.”

    But I dread the day when she rephrases it as “Does my ass look fat in these jeans?”

  • The Barber and the Mother-in-Law

    A man gets a haircut, and the barber keeps asking, “So… how’s your mother-in-law these days?”

    The man replies, “She’s fine.”

    A few minutes later, the barber asks again, “And your mother-in-law? How’s she doing?”

    The man starts getting irritated.

    “I just told you she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about her?”

    The barber grins and says, “Oh, it’s not because I care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up, and that makes it much easier for me to cut.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Putin’s Driver and the Pig

    Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.

    Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.

    “What happened to you?” asked Putin.

    “Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”

    “My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.

    The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Ex-Wife and the Coffee Catch-Up

    A man bumps into his ex-wife after not talking for many years, and they decide to grab a coffee together and catch up.

    “So,” says the man, “I heard you got remarried.”

    “That’s right,” she says.

    The man smirks. “And how does he like your sorry excuse for cooking?”

    “Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says.

    “And how does he like your god-awful blowjobs?”

    “Oh, he likes them just fine,” she says.

    “Yeah? And how does he like that tired, worn-out old pussy?”

    “Oh, he likes it just fine,” she says. “Once he gets past the tired, worn-out part.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Preacher and Mrs O’Malley

    “Mrs O’Malley, good morning,” greeted the preacher.

    “Good morning, Pastor,” she replied.

    “Last week, your husband walked out during the sermon. I hope nothing too serious is the matter?”

    “Nothing too serious, just that he has a tendency for sleepwalking.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Bring Your Child to Work Day

    I took my eight-year-old girl to the office with me on Bring Your Child to Work Day.

    As we walked around the office, she starting crying, so I asked her what was wrong.

    As my colleagues gathered round, she sobbed: “But Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • The Dog-Friendly Hotel

    A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote, “I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”

    An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here too.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail