Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Four Seniors and the Christmas Golf Game

    Four seniors were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked how great it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, go directly to the golf course, and play eighteen holes together.

    The others chimed in and said, “Let’s do this! We’ll make it a priority — and each of us must figure out a way to meet here early Christmas morning!”

    Several months later, it’s Christmas morning, and each man is at the golf course as promised, ready to play golf just as they’d discussed.

    The first guy says, “Boy, this round has cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife a diamond ring that she really wanted.”

    The second guy remarks, “I spent a ton of money too. My wife is at home with travel brochures all over the place, planning a cruise I had to give her.”

    The third guy says, “Well, my wife is at home admiring the new car I agreed to buy for her.”

    They all turned to the fourth guy, who was staring at them and shaking his head as if they’d all lost their minds.

    He said, “I can’t believe you guys spent so much. Let me tell you what I did. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Merry Christmas, babe! It looks like a great morning, so it’s either gonna be the golf course or intercourse?’”

    And she said, “You’ll need a sweater, and don’t forget your hat!”

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  • The Cabbie and the Preacher at the Pearly Gates

    A cab driver dies and reaches the Pearly Gates.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

    The preacher is shocked.

    “But I am a man of the cloth! You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:

    “This is Heaven, and up here we’re interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

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  • Little Johnny and the Spelling Lesson

    A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also ate things.

    The first little boy said, “Alligator.” “Very good James, that’s a big word.”

    The second boy said, “Predator.” “Yes, that’s another big word Alan, well done.”

    Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”

    After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, “That’s a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

    “Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

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  • He Was 0K

    A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, and everyone said he was crazy.

    It turns out that he was 0K.

  • It’s Pronounced Anally

    My doctor told me I’m at an age where I need a colonoscopy annually.

    I’m a bit worried. He’s a doctor and should know it’s pronounced anally.

  • Asked My Man To Bring Me Pads With Wings

    Asked My Man To Bring Me Pads With Wings

  • The Unused Christmas Gift

    At Christmas, a man just opened presents from his mother-in-law and she asks, “Where’s mine?”

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    He says, “I didn’t get you anything this year.”

    Visibly upset, she asks why.

    He says, “You never used what I got you last year.”

    She yelled, “IT WAS A BURIAL PLOT!”

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  • The Three Sons-in-Law and the River

    A mother-in-law wanted to test which of her three sons-in-law was the nicest.

    She pretended to fall into a river while walking with the first son-in-law.

    He quickly jumped in and saved her.

    The next morning, he found a Chevrolet Malibu with a note: “From your mother-in-law.”

    The second son-in-law did the same thing and received a Ford Fusion the next day.

    Then came the third son-in-law’s turn.

    When the mother-in-law jumped into the river again, he just watched… and walked away.

    The next morning, he found a brand-new Cadillac Escalade with a note: “From your father-in-law!”

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  • The Fifteen-Dollar Porsche

    A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream at him…

    “Where did you get that car?”

    He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

    “With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

    “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

    The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

    “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

    “Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother. “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

    So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!

    Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”

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  • The Italian Souvenir

    A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

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    “Thank you, honey,” she says. “Is there anything I can bring back for you?” He laughs and says, “An Italian girl.”

    When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

    “Very good,” she replies.

    “And what happened to my present?” he asks.

    Confused, she replies, “Which present?”

    “The one I asked for, the Italian girl,” he answers.

    With a sly grin, she replies, “Oh, that. I did what I could, but we’ll just have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.”

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