Often when I come in to work, I look around and ask myself, “Well, what’s gonna happen today?”
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
My wife thought she could really get me good on April Fool’s Day with her “Whoopee
My wife thought she could really get me good on April Fool’s Day with her “Whoopee cushion on the car seat” gag. But I think I trumped her with the ol’ “backing the sedan through the garage door” routine.
-
What you name a product often plays the most important role in determining its success.
What you name a product often plays the most important role in determining its success. I learned this the hard way; while those “Girls Gone Wild” DVDs sell like crazy, my own “Girls Presenting Symptoms of Severe Mental Psychosis” DVDs never sold worth a damn.
-
I’ve started forwarding all the email I get from that Nigerian prince to the
I’ve started forwarding all the email I get from that Nigerian prince to the pharmaceutical company that sends me email telling me they can enlarge my “maleness.” I’m thinking the prince might want to invest some of his $30 million in that sweet deal.
-
They say any publicity is good publicity, so I guess I shouldn’t complain, but I can’t
They say any publicity is good publicity, so I guess I shouldn’t complain, but I can’t help feeling a little insulted. And confused — I had always thought those “Worst Dressed” lists were limited to famous people.
-
If I lived in a country rife with civil unrest, I’d always hold the door for my dates,
If I lived in a country rife with civil unrest, I’d always hold the door for my dates, because you never know when a bomb is on the other side. Plus, I’d only date really large ladies.
-
I ve been trying to hire an au pair for about six months now, but so far I haven’t been
I ve been trying to hire an au pair for about six months now, but so far I haven’t been able to find one willing to work for me. They all suspicious and question your motives when they find out you don’t have any children.
-
If you’re evil, but you’re working hard to change, I’ll bet a major milestone is when
If you’re evil, but you’re working hard to change, I’ll bet a major milestone is when people start referring to it as your house instead of your lair.
-
I overheard two young women talking, and one looked at me and said, “If I were 50 and
I overheard two young women talking, and one looked at me and said, “If I were 50 and still single, I would do that guy.” I guess that makes me bucket-licious.
-
For the sake of realism, they really should make a few scenes where Superman arrives at
For the sake of realism, they really should make a few scenes where Superman arrives at the bad guys’ lair covered in bird guts.
