After an argument a husband sat in his work room throwing darts at a photo of his wife but not a single one hits the target.
From upstairs his wife asks him, “What are you doing?”
He replies, “Missing you!”
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Password Rejected
A female secretary was helping her new boss set up his computer and asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass his new secretary a bit and let her know where they stood, he smugly told her to enter ‘penis.’ Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She then almost died laughing at the computer’s response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH!
-
The New Rules
A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady.
After the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want — and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night… whether you’re here or not.”
-
Frank Feldman
A man steps out onto the street and catches a taxi just as it’s going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
“Who?” the passenger asks.
“Frank Feldman,” the cabbie says. “He was a guy who did everything right, all the time. Like me coming along just when you needed a cab. Things like that always happened to Frank Feldman.”
“Well, nobody’s perfect,” the passenger says.
“Not Frank Feldman,” the cabbie replies. “He was a terrific athlete. He could’ve won a Grand Slam in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. And you should’ve heard him play piano. He was amazing.”
“Sounds like he was something special,” the passenger says.
“There’s more,” the cabbie continues. “He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everyone’s birthday. He knew all about wine — what to order, which fork to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street goes dark. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”
“Wow,” says the passenger, “what a guy.”
“And he always knew the fastest route through traffic,” the cabbie adds. “Not like me. I’m always getting stuck. But Frank never made a mistake. And he knew how to treat a woman. He’d never talk back, even if she was wrong. His clothes were always spotless, his shoes polished. The perfect man. Nobody could measure up to Frank Feldman.”
The passenger pauses, then asks, “So how did you meet him?”
The cabbie says, “I never did. He died… and I married his wife.”
-
Nearly Met Jesus
Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet people.
Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist… and nearly met Jesus!
-
Saturday Night With Ned
My neighbor Ned cornered me in the driveway and grinned like a maniac.
“Oi, come over Saturday night, mate. It’s gonna be mental — bit of drinking, bit of fighting, bit of fucking!”
I lit up. “Hell yeah! What time?”
Ned shrugged, still smiling.
“Don’t matter. It’ll just be you and me.”
-
But You Were 147 Votes Short
Famous dentist Sam and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
Sam looked at his wife’s face for a moment and asked, “Darling, did you ever cheat on me in these fifty years?”
The woman, quite surprised by her husband’s question, remained silent for a while.
“If my answer is yes, wouldn’t your opinion of me change? Do you still want to know despite everything?”
“No, my love, it wouldn’t change, and I really do want to know. Please tell me.”
“Since you want to learn, yes, darling, I cheated on you three times,” the woman replied.
“Who were these people?” Sam asked.
“The first one,” the woman began to explain, “remember when you were 30 years old and wanted to open your own clinic, but no bank manager would give you a loan? Then one bank manager came to the house. Without asking anything, he had you sign all the papers, and you were able to open your clinic with ultra-modern equipment. Do you remember?”
“Ahhh, my darling. So you sacrificed yourself for me, my dear wife,” Sam said. “And the second one?”
“Remember when you had a heart attack at 39, and you needed critical bypass surgery, but no doctor had the courage to do it? You could have died any moment. Dr. Halery got up from all that distance, came, performed your surgery, and brought you back to life,” his wife said.
“Ahhh, my beloved wife, so you sacrificed yourself once more to save my life, is that right? And the third infidelity?”
“Do you remember? Years ago, you were 43 and wanted to become the president of the dentists’ chamber, but you were 147 votes short…”
