When God closes a door, he opens a window. When God farts, he opens two windows, for the cross-ventilation effect.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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If I ever have a daughter, I won’t let her play with Barbie dolls because I think they
If I ever have a daughter, I won’t let her play with Barbie dolls because I think they create unrealistic body images for girls. In the real world, what are the odds that a young girl will ever grow up to be only eleven and a half inches tall?
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I turned around and the ship was being stormed by thieves, though all they stole was the
I turned around and the ship was being stormed by thieves, though all they stole was the ship’s collection of fine wine. Apparently, we we’re the latest to be attacked by sommelier pirates.
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I’ll bet more kids would sign up for the debate team in high school if they only knew
I’ll bet more kids would sign up for the debate team in high school if they only knew how vital it would be in kicking total ASS during lunch-hour pop culture arguments in the Best Buy breakroom someday.
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Attention, working men!
Attention, working men! The national research project to determine whether work gloves will fly out of the open bed of a moving pickup truck has now concluded. Please resume storing your gloves in the cab of your truck when driving, and thank you for your participation in this important and valuable study.
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I’d say the worst part of starting a brand new relationship is discovering she lives in
I’d say the worst part of starting a brand new relationship is discovering she lives in a place with a spiral staircase and then having to dump her. Like hell I’m gonna someday have to move a queen bed or armoire down that thing.
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They say the truth will set you free.
They say the truth will set you free. Just be sure there aren’t any cops within earshot when you try this one out.
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When I die I hope people will remember me as a kind person who would always make time to
When I die I hope people will remember me as a kind person who would always make time to help those less fortunate than myself. I figure my best chance for that happening is if they confuse me with someone other guy who looked a lot like me.
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I allowed my young son to dress himself yesterday and was amused as he paired a giraffe
I allowed my young son to dress himself yesterday and was amused as he paired a giraffe top with an elephant bottom. The fun stopped later, though, when I was arrested and charged with Garanimal cruelty.
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Nothing ends a blind date faster than when you’re walking through the park and you
Nothing ends a blind date faster than when you’re walking through the park and you exclaim, “Ooooh! Stray earbud!”
