Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Top 17 Ideas for a Movie Sequel

    The Top 17 Ideas for a Movie Sequel

    17. The Leggo Movie: Emmett’s new career has him tackling the adventurous world of frozen waffles.

    16. Ei8ht: John Doe has escaped from jail and this Christmas will embody ALL the deadly sins unless Detectives Mills and Somerset can stop him before he murders Santa’s reindeer.

    15. Three Angry Alternates: Tempers rise after Jack, Bill and Ted are told that since they were not seated on the jury, they won’t be paid.

    14. Finding Bevo: The beloved University of Texas Longhorn Mascot vanishes at the stadium while his handlers are doing Jell-O shots.

    13. Aunt-Man: Paul Rudd becomes a superhero for the second time when he’s bitten by his mom’s radioactive sister.

    12. Bridget Jones’s Colonoscopy: For those who can’t get enough of Renee Zellweger, this oughtta do it.

    11. Anti-Gravity: With the 2016 presidential election spinning out of control, Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) frantically tries to escape back into space.

    10. Every Which Way But Loose Change: Clint Eastwood investigates 9/11 with the help of an empty chair and a monkey.

    9. Jaws 5: A large man-eating shark water skis over a pool of sharks.

    8. Groundhog Dayja Vu: Now that he’s been married a while, weatherman Phil Connors is horrified when day after day, he wakes up every morning to find the same woman in his bed.

    7. Given: Liam Neeson gives exactly zero shits when kidnappers tell him they have his former mother-in-law, but he’s still totally badass about it.

    6. The Avatar 3: Blue Man Group: Three Na’vi move to Earth, where the atmosphere renders them mute and they’re forced to earn a living as mimes.

    5. Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue: During election season, a scandal-plagued woman is locked in a TV studio for 90 minutes with an orange-skinned madman as they struggle for control of a mansion in Washington.

    4. Leonard Part 7: Prominent women are mysteriously falling into comas and private dick Bill Cosby is on the case.

    3. The Waterboard Boy: After being mistaken for a terrorist, Adam Sandler is sent to Guantanamo Bay and brutally tortured to the delight of audiences everywhere.

    2. Lawrence of Arabica: While writing his screenplay at Starbucks, Larry falls asleep at his typewriter and dreams he’s on an adventure in the Arabian Desert, only to be awakened by a rude barista telling him his snoring is annoying.

    And the Number One Idea for a Movie Sequel…

    1. Sully 2: Payback on the Hudson: Geese seek revenge against the cowardly pilot who brutally attacked their flock with his flying death machine.

  • Fool Me -(n) Times

    Fool me zero times, shame on nobody.

    Fool me -(n) times, where nA = {x ∈ ℝ | 0 < x ≤ 1}, -(shame) on you.

  • I Seriously Doubt My Mom Would Go for It

    I don’t think I could ever be “born again,” like some of those Evangelicals I see. I don’t remember much from the first time, but umbilical cords freak me out, and I seriously doubt my mom would go for it.

  • The Hard Disk

    Last night, my friends and I went to a geek strip club called “The Hard Disk.” Lame, you say? What if I told you they only charged $20 for a laptop dance?

  • Types of Men

    Types of men…

    Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
    Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
    Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
    Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy

    Old Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
    Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
    Advantages: Stays put; predictable
    Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass

    Flinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
    Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
    Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
    Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle

    Bigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
    Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
    Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
    Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig

    Lazybones – “Zzzzzz”
    Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
    Advantages: Well rested; easy target
    Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams

    The Sneak – “Who, me?”
    Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
    Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
    Disadvantages: May be having time of his life

    Ace of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
    Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
    Advantages: Perpetually aroused
    Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused

    The Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but…”
    Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
    Advantages: Tells good stories
    Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”

    Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
    Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
    Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
    Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

  • Small World

    Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn’t bother to wave the men on through (which is proper golf etiquette).

    After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, “I think I’ll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.”

    He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, “I can’t do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you’d better go talk to them.”

    The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said, “Small world.”

  • Her Story vs His Story

    A man and woman are having a relationship for about 4 months now. One Friday night, they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go get some food at a local restaurant near their respective homes. They eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.

    Her story:

    He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar last night, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn’t say anything much about it. The conversation was slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he is still acting a bit funny and I am trying to cheer him up and I start to wonder if it is me or something else. I ask him and he says no. But you know I am not really sure.

    Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don’t know what the hell this means because you know he doesn’t say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I am wondering if he is going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.

    Reluctantly, I say I am going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I don’t know, I just don’t know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he’s met someone else????

    His story:

    Lousy day at work, low on funds, and tired. Got some lovin’ though.