Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Thats a Microwave

    A blonde walked into an appliance store and told the clerk that she liked to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Very politely the clerk told her that the store didn’t service to blondes. She was just about to say something when she got an idea. She went home and dyed her hair black.

    The very next day, she went to the store and told the same clerk she had talked to the day before, that she would like to purchase the television set that sat on the counter. Then politely the clerk told her that he already told her the day before that the store didn’t service to blondes.

    She looked surprised and asked him, how did you know I was the blonde from yesterday?

    How did I know, the clerk said, ’cause that’s a microwave.

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  • How Does a Blonde Hold Her Liquor

    How does a blonde hold her liquor?

    By the ears.

  • A Fifteen Please

    A redhead walks into a bar. She walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a RW, please.”

    The bartender says, “What’s a RW, might I inquire?”

    “Red Wine, Duh!”

    The bartender serves her her drink. A brunette walks into the bar. “I’d like a WW, please.”

    “A WW is… what?”

    “White Wine, Duh!”

    Bartender serves her drink. In walks a blonde. “I’d like a Fifteen, please.”

    “What the HELL is a fifteen?”

    “Seven and seven, Duh!”

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  • Explain It Five Times

    A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender “Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

    The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225 lb and he’s a blond weight lifter,” he continues, “The fella to your right is blond, 6’5″ and pushing 300 lb and he’s a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?”

    The blind guy goes: “Nah! Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

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  • Count to 70

    Why can’t a blonde count to 70?

    Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful

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  • Push Up Bottom

    A blonde woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.

    The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant and never have. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis and would like some more.

    The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing full well that they don’t stock, or have ever sold, such an item. She smiles at the thick blonde pillock and says, “One moment please, I will get the pharmacist.”

    The pharmacist looks at the blonde and says, “Can I help you miss?”

    “I would like to buy some bottom deodorant please,” says the blonde.

    “I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

    “But I always get it here,” says the blonde.

    “Do you have the container it comes in?”

    “Yes!” Said the blonde, “I will go and get it.”

    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to the her “This is just a normal stick of under arm deodorant.”

    The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”

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  • The Seagull

    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all over the blonde. The brunette says in a disgusted voice, “Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I’ll go get some toilet paper.”

    After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh. The redhead says, “What’s so funny?”

    The blonde says, “Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with that toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!”

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  • The Big Fan

    A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in.

    “I’m doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I’m starting to get the hang of this.”

    After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn’t radioed in. A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away.

    He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

    When he asked what happened, she said: “I don’t know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can’t remember anything after I turned off the big fan.”

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  • Knock Yourself Out

    I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthesia.

    He said, “Sure, knock yourself out.”

  • Play Doctor

    My wife told me she wanted to play doctor
    I told her to take off all her clothes and lay down on the bed.

    I went and played golf while she waited for me to get back.

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