Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

I’d like to buy the world a Coke.

I’d like to buy the world a Coke. Just one, though. That way it would teach everyone to share.
I got my passport photos done in a rush, coming in from the pouring rain just as the

I got my passport photos done in a rush, coming in from the pouring rain just as the store was about to close. Later when I saw the terrible photos, I asked my husband, “Why didn’t you tell me my hair was sticking up all over and I looked this bad?” He said, “I just figured you wanted to look like you do when we’re traveling.”
My favorite part of tailgating isn’t the booze or the food — it’s how easy it is to tip

My favorite part of tailgating isn’t the booze or the food — it’s how easy it is to tip over drunk people as they urinate in public.
Call me a sappy old romantic if you will, but it seems that every time I have a cast

Call me a sappy old romantic if you will, but it seems that every time I have a cast iron frying pan in my hand I have an overwhelming urge to clobber some man over the head with it.
I wonder if the markings on a panda’s coat correspond to white and dark meat.

I wonder if the markings on a panda’s coat correspond to white and dark meat.
I was having a good laugh mocking that guy at the biker bar about his cheesy barbed wire

I was having a good laugh mocking that guy at the biker bar about his cheesy barbed wire tattoo — until I realized it wasn’t a tattoo.
If you try to hand a woman something that’s enclosed in your fist, she’ll always think

If you try to hand a woman something that’s enclosed in your fist, she’ll always think you’re about to hand her a bug. Even if you’ve known her for years and never tried to give her a bug before. They never let their guard down when it comes to being handed a bug.
I’ve heard about this “Speed Dating,” where a guy and a girl meet for 10 minutes and

I’ve heard about this “Speed Dating,” where a guy and a girl meet for 10 minutes and then move on to the next person. Sounds great, but if you have sex, what do you do for the other six minutes?
I was never a great athlete, but I do hold one record: I was hit by a pitch 39 times in

I was never a great athlete, but I do hold one record: I was hit by a pitch 39 times in a single season. It was 30 years ago, but it still stands as the T-ball record.
Women are so fickle.

Women are so fickle. My wife she told me that we should live every day like it’s our last, then she complains about how I spend every day smoking crack and banging her sister.