Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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German Study Challenges American Penis Research Findings
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos -
Island Duty Roster Beats Romantic Getaway
A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.
The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”
They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”
Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”
They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”
Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”
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Dad’s Terrible Timing With Life’s Harsh Truths
Morris asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.
“Oh dad,” he sobbed, “at age six I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech. At age seven I got the ‘there’s no Easter bunny’ speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech! If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got nothing left to live for!”
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Virgin Birth Claims Destroyed by Medical Reality
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother turned red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex before marriage.
The doctor faced the window and silently looked out to the horizon.
The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”
“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again and confirm this very rare immaculate conception.”
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Rhyme for Statute of Limitations
The imagery and emotion in my poems has been inspired by my life as a solitary traveler — the long, lonely road, the ever-distant horizon, my yearning to return home. I just wish I could come up with a rhyme for “statute of limitations.”
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Lemons Painted Like Hand Grenades
When life gives you lemons, paint them up like hand grenades and hijack a plane to Cuba.
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The Truth About Santa Claus
I think, deep down inside, little children want to be told the truth about Santa Claus. Why else would they stand in line for an hour just to sit on my lap?
