Two wrongs don’t make a right. But 1.84 wrongs squared, plus a slurred “maybe, butonlycuzI’mdrunk” do.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
At my therapist’s suggestion, I took up painting to try to work through some homicidal
At my therapist’s suggestion, I took up painting to try to work through some homicidal thoughts I’ve been having. If I ever become a famous artist like Picasso, I guess this will be known as my “Douchebag in Wool Cap With Slashed Throat” period.
-
So what should we avoid the plague like?
So what should we avoid the plague like?
-
I cried when my grandparents danced at my sister’s wedding.
I cried when my grandparents danced at my sister’s wedding. Because seeing that made me realize they might live long enough to dance at mine.
-
If frequent peeing were an Olympic sport, I’d definitely take the gold.
If frequent peeing were an Olympic sport, I’d definitely take the gold. But then I’d miss the medal ceremony cause I’d be in the bathroom.
-
Probability that Van Morrison titled the song “Brown Eyed Girl” because he couldn’t
Probability that Van Morrison titled the song “Brown Eyed Girl” because he couldn’t remember her name: 67%.
-
I’d have to think giving a woman “nine ladies dancing” and “eight maids a milking” would
I’d have to think giving a woman “nine ladies dancing” and “eight maids a milking” would only impress her if she’s a lesbian with a serious multiple-partner fetish.
-
I’m not sure why celebrities cheating on their spouses is newsworthy.
I’m not sure why celebrities cheating on their spouses is newsworthy. A guy at work cheated on his wife and the only reason it made the news at all was because she apparently sucks at hiding bodies.
-
Sure, the early bird gets the worm, but the early fish gets both the worm AND the hook.
Sure, the early bird gets the worm, but the early fish gets both the worm AND the hook.
-
After four hours of running through ankle-deep snow in shower shoes, pants belted to my
After four hours of running through ankle-deep snow in shower shoes, pants belted to my forehead like a denim hat, and playing “Do You Believe In Magic?” on the kazoo, a fellow masher sledded over and broke the news to me that it’s not called the “Idiotarod.”
