Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Magazines, Not Relationships: A Therapy Session

    David goes to see a therapist. During the session, the therapist asks, “How is your sex life?”

    “I have a lot of issues with sex,” David replies.

    “What kind of issues?” the therapist asks.

    “Oh, mostly Hustler, and Penthouse.”

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  • Sex Life Scored by Guessing Game Results

    Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Now please begin.

    “CLUES”

    1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

    2. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

    3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger.

    4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn’t maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

    5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

    6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

    7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

    8. All day long, it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

    9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.

    10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news.

    11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

    12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

    13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.

    Answers:

    1. nose
    2. peanut butter
    3. crane
    4. Titanic
    5. tent
    6. dentist
    7. wedding ring
    8. elevator
    9. chewing gum
    10. newspaper boy
    11. glove
    12. arrow
    13. attorney

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  • Count Chocula Puts Out a Tasty Cereal

    You know, for an evil, undead minion of Satan who feasts on the blood of the living, that Count Chocula sure puts out a mighty tasty cereal.

  • Dirty Medical Humor: Adult Jokes Collection

    Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
    A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A: A bingo machine.

    Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
    A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…

    Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
    A: They have shaky hands!

    Q: What do you call a female midget who’s nice and gives head?
    A: Short, sweet, and to the point!

    Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
    A: An armadildo.

    Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
    A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

    Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
    A: Come in eight flavors.

    Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
    A: “Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver last night?”

    Q: Do you know why it’s called sex?
    A: Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!

    Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
    A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)

    Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
    A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.

    Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
    A: 8 hours, 59 minutes – who cares what she wants!

    Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
    A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!

    Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
    A: In case you miss.

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  • Nice AND Has All His Teeth

    My single friends kept asking me to “fix them up with a nice guy,” but afterwards all they did was complain bitterly. I figure it’s their own fault: If what they really meant was “nice AND has all his teeth,” then they should have said so.

  • Freddo’s Magical Tongue Gets the Girl

    This guy walks into a bar carrying a shoe box, and proceeds to sit down and places the box on the bar. As the night rolls on and a beauty sits next to him he can’t help but notice her curiosity with the box. So after a while he asks her if she would like to receive the best tongue sex of her life.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    She eagerly accepts, but the guy tells her it is to be from his pet frog Freddo. By this time the beauty is getting pretty tipsy and insists on seeing the frog first. So the guy gets him out and presses just behind the jaw of the frog to make him flop his tongue out. At the sight of the size of the tongue the beauty can’t wait and just about tears the guy’s arm off getting him and the frog to her apartment, where she immediately undresses and lays spread eagle on the bed awaiting Freddo and his tongue.

    The guy places Freddo between her legs and repeats “lick-her” several times. A few minutes pass and nothing, he repeats “lick-her”, still no response from Freddo.

    Before the beauty can complain again, the guy picks up Freddo and says, “This is the last time I show you how this is done!”

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  • Beach Woman’s Unexpected Question Ruins Everything

    Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach. Well the first guy goes over to her and starts making love to her, when she says “What will we name the child?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Well the guy freaks and runs away.

    So the second guy goes over to her and starts doing his thing when she says “What will we name the child?”

    He freaks out also and runs away.

    The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a rubber and goes to do his thing. When she says “What will we name the child?”

    He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the rubber, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.

    He turns to the girl and says “If he gets out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

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  • Stop Biting Our Cheeks by 66

    It takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something and we chew food for an average of 25 minutes per day. Using that logic, we will stop biting our cheeks by the age of 66.

  • Not a Big Fan

    I hate it when people call me a windmill.

    I’m not a big fan.