I tried to drop acid once, but got mixed up and took LDS instead. Now I’ve got six wives and am spending all my time trying to recruit. BAD TRIP. /@rmfnord
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Life is constantly screwing with me.
Life is constantly screwing with me. The day before yesterday, it gave me lemons. Yesterday it gave me tequila. Then today it gave me Splenda. WTF am I supposed to do with Splenda?
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I wouldn’t object to being conscious during brain surgery, as long as someone told me
I wouldn’t object to being conscious during brain surgery, as long as someone told me where to cut.
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My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back not to have a problem with something like that.
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One reason I like Halloween so much is that I really get off on the genuinely horrified
One reason I like Halloween so much is that I really get off on the genuinely horrified reaction from kids with my “sawing off my forearm with an electric carving knife” shtick — at least until I pass out from the voluminous loss of blood and all.
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How do you know the Pinterest website is targeted at women and not men?
How do you know the Pinterest website is targeted at women and not men? Because it isn’t called Pornterest.
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My girlfriend and I decided to introduce a little role-playing in the bedroom to spice
My girlfriend and I decided to introduce a little role-playing in the bedroom to spice things up a bit. Last night I was Forrest Gump and she was Larry the Cable Guy.
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Okay, dog, here’s the deal: I’ll teach you how to use a can opener, and you teach me how
Okay, dog, here’s the deal: I’ll teach you how to use a can opener, and you teach me how to lick my balls. /@rmfnord
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Talk about dedication to one’s craft: The Mayor of Toronto is a foul-mouthed, drunken
Talk about dedication to one’s craft: The Mayor of Toronto is a foul-mouthed, drunken crack smoker accused of sexual harassment — yet Justin Bieber STILL manages to be the most hated Canadian ever.
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Took the kids up to Nantucket one weekend for the Limerick Festival.
Took the kids up to Nantucket one weekend for the Limerick Festival. Boy, was that a mistake.
