Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Sweet Carol Line

    Sweet Carol Line

    My name’s Carol.

    Really? Me too!

    I’m also Carol.

    Me too!

    Hi, I’m Carol.

    Sweet Carol line.

  • Huh? Magazine

    I’ve been thinking of starting a magazine called “Huh?” for people suffering permanent memory loss. To save money, I could just publish the same issue every month.

  • Double Tap

    Double Tap

    Double tap on your screen

  • Insurance Claims Gone Hilariously Wrong

    The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words possible:

    Coming home, I drove into wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
    I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my head through it.
    The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
    I collided with a stationary car going the other way.
    A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.
    A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
    The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
    I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
    In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
    I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision, and I did not see the other car.
    I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
    I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
    As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
    My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
    An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
    I told the police that I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
    I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the curb when I struck him.
    The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front end.
    I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in the ditch by some stray cows.
    The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
    The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

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  • Warning Labels for the Dangerously Obvious and Absurd

    Here are some actual label instructions on consumer products that may tell us that we are;

    1. On a blanket from Taiwan –
    NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

    2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists –
    REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

    3. On a Taiwanese shampoo –
    USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

    4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink
    AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

    5. On a New Zealand insect spray –
    THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

    6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer –
    TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

    7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids
    LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

    8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles
    OPEN OTHER END.

    9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins –
    WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

    10. On a Sears hairdryer –
    DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

    11. On a bag of Fritos –
    YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

    12. On a bar of Dial soap –
    DIRECTIONS – USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

    13. On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-
    DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

    14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding –
    PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

    15. On a Korean kitchen knife –
    WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

    16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights –
    FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

    17. On a Japanese food processor –
    NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

    18. On Sainsbury’s peanuts –
    WARNING – CONTAINS NUTS.

    19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts
    INSTRUCTIONS – OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

    20. On a Swedish chainsaw –
    DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

    21. On a child’s superman costume –
    WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

    22. On some frozen dinners
    SERVING SUGGESTION DEFROST.

    23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box
    FITS ONE HEAD.

    24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron
    DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

    25. On Boot’s “Children’s” cough medicine
    DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

    26. On Nytol sleep aid
    WARNING MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

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  • Corporate Incompetence: Millions for Failure

    1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

    AT&T FIRED President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.

    2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

    Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting ”Please come out and give yourself up.”

    3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???

    An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

    4. THE GETAWAY!

    A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

    5. DID I SAY THAT???

    Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,” the man shouted, ”That’s not what I said!”

    6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

    A man spoke frantically into the phone, ”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” ”Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. ”No!”, the man shouted, ”This is her husband!”.

    7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

    In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.

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  • More Guys Named Moe

    If Larry had been a wackier and more influential stooge, I suspect I’d know more guys named Moe.

  • Gonads-First Into a Doorknob

    There’s no shame in a man’s weeping; the bitter yet life-embracing tears of universal sorrow… especially when he’s just walked gonads-first into a doorknob.

  • If Loving You Is Wrong

    If loving you is wrong, then baby, it goes a long way towards explaining the concussion and crushed left testicle.

  • Demented Exhibitionist Guy

    I bet one of the hardest parts of being a superhero is remembering which phone booth you left your clothes in. And by “superhero,” what I mean is “demented-exhibitionist-guy.”