If the IRS wanted to put something really useful on their website, how about a list of countries that don’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S.?
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Alive With the Sound of Muzak
Nothing sours my holiday mood like surly people at the mall, especially ones who are unimpressed by my jubilant proclamation that my groin is alive with the sound of Muzak.
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Firing My Slingshot at Target
The mall security dude arrested me for firing my slingshot at Target. Come on, they were asking for it!
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Mike’s Perfect Exit Strategy
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
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Rejecting Your Rejection: A Polite Reversal
Letter to Send to People Who Won’t Hire You
[Date Today]
Dear [Interviewer’s Name]:
Thank you for your letter of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.
Despite Acme Inc.’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time. Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.
Sincerely,
[Your Name]
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Office Profanity Code System Hilariously Revealed
Interoffice Memo
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals have been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees. Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct will no longer be tolerated. The management does, however, realize the importance of each person being able to express their feelings when communicating with their fellow employees. Therefore, the management has compiled the following coded list. It is imperative that all employees understand and memorize these coded phrases so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
OLD PHRASE | NEW PHRASE
No fucking way. | I’m not certain that’s feasible.
You’ve got to be shitting me? | Really?
Tell someone who gives a shit. | Perhaps you should check with:
Ask me if I give a shit. | Of course I’m concerned.
It’s not my fucking problem. | I wasn’t involved in that project.
What the fuck? | Interesting behavior:
Fuck it, it won’t work. | I’m not sure I can implement this.
Why the fuck didn’t they tell me sooner? | I’ll try to reschedule that.
When the fuck do you expect me to do this? | Perhaps I can work late?
Who the fuck cares. | Are you sure it’s a problem?
He’s got his head up his ass. | He’s not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit. | You don’t say?
Eat shit and die. | Excuse me?
Eat shit and die motherfucker. | Excuse me, sir?
What the fuck do they want from me? | They weren’t happy with it?
Kiss my ass. | So, would you like my help with that?
Fuck it, I’m on salary. | I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass. | I don’t think you understand.
This job sucks shit. | I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you boss? | You want me to take care of this?
Blow me. | I see.
Blow yourself. | Do you see?
Another fucking meeting? | Yes, we should discuss this.
I don’t really give a shit. | I don’t think it will be a problem.
He’s fucking retarded. | He’s confused.
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Caught Napping: Creative Excuses for Workplace Sleeping
If You Get Caught Sleeping on the Job
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to.”
“I was working smarter – not harder.”
“Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper.”
“Oh, I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
“This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
“I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance.”
“I was trying to remember where that difficult ‘Z’ Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead.”
“I’m in the management training program.”
“I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.”
“This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!”
“I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?”
“Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
“Uh, hey, whaddaya expect… the coffee machine is broken…”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
“Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
“It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
“Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
“I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.”
“The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.”
“Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.” -
Jack and Jill’s Unexpected Workplace Showdown
There’s a boss who hired two workers (Jack and Jill) last summer as temporaries. The summer is now over, and he doesn’t have the money to keep both workers on, but he CAN keep one. He’s got a problem because they’re both good workers. So he decides to let fate settle his dilemma by firing the first one of the two that goes to the water fountain the next morning.
Jill is the first to arrive, and, having a headache, takes two aspirins to the water cooler. The boss says to himself, “Well, that’s it then. It’s gotta be Jill.”
He calls Jill into his office. “Money is tight, and I don’t have enough to keep you AND Jack on the payroll. So I either have to lay you or Jack off.”
To which Jill replied: “Well, you’ll just have to jack off, because I have a headache.”
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Best-Selling Children’s Author
If I were a best-selling children’s author, I’d write a book about how these cool little kids and their cute woodland friends made Santa very happy by taking all the money out of Mommy’s wallet and mailing it to my PO Box.
