Topic: alcohol

Drinking jokes, bar memes, hangover disasters, and booze-powered bad ideas from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • Pulled Over for Swerving

    The police pulled me over last night and said, “Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    I said, “I’ve had eight drinks, officer.”

    The officer replied, “Sir, that’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”

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  • A Stop on the Bridge

    Two plump women were leaving a bar after a night of some heavy drinking. The full moon shone in a cloudless sky. They had gone a few blocks and were about to cross a small bridge when one of them said she needed to take a dump.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    “It’s only a few more blocks, you can hold it,” the other replied.

    “No I can’t, if I don’t go now I will shit my panties,” said the first.

    “Well there isn’t anywhere with privacy but you know if you hop up on the railing and hang your ass over you can go in the water and anyone coming by will just think we’re sitting talking,” suggested the second.

    “That sounds good, help me up,” replied the first.

    She pulled down her panties, hiked up her dress and climbed up hanging her butt over the railing.

    Her friend leaned over the side, staring down at the water and started laughing.

    “Oh my God, Mary,” she howled, “you just shit on a guy in a canoe.”

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  • The Frat Bro and the Nuns

    Two frat bros are walking along when they see a group of nuns walking up the opposite side of the street.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    After a little bit of a ruckus, one of the young men runs across the road and approaches the nuns.

    “Excuse me, are you the head nun?” he asks the lead nun sheepishly.

    “Yes, my son. I am the Mother Superior of the convent. What can I do for you?” she replies with a curious grin.

    “Well ma’am, I have a strange question. But, umm, are any of your nuns midgets?” he spits out. Seeing her shocked face, he continues. “You know, maybe a dwarf, pygmy, something like that?”

    “My son,” she calmly states, “we would welcome anyone into our convent, regardless of stature. But no, we currently have no sisters that are little people.”

    And with that the frat bro turns to his buddy, who is still on the other side of the road, and hollers, “Hey Gary, I told you ya fucked a penguin last night!”

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  • Quit While He Was a Head

    A baby is born but he doesn’t have a body.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He’s only a head. They called him Steven. Steven was a happy child and he lived as normal a life as you could under those circumstances. Finally when he reached 21 his dad said, “Come on son we’re going to have a drink to celebrate your birthday.”

    He put the head on the counter and he ordered two pints of Guinness. He said cheers and he poured a sip into his son’s mouth. To everyone’s surprise, a neck and shoulders popped out like balloons. With tears of joy, the dad gave him another sip, and pop! Two arms came out of the shoulders! The dad gave him a third sip, and pop! He grew a torso! And he gave him a fourth sip and pop! He grew legs! They had to get out of there to get him some clothes because he never had any before. His dad helped him to the door because he was unsteady on his feet because they were new and because of the drink.

    He stumbled into the street and got hit by a car, instantly killing him.

    The bartender said, “Poor guy. He should have quit while he was a head.”

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  • Quit Drinking Beer

    I went to the doctor yesterday for a physical.

    The doctor tells me, “You have to quit drinking beer.”

    “Why?” I asked.

    Doctor, “Because I’m trying to give you a physical right now.”

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  • What The Irish Flag Stands For

    What The Irish Flag Stands For

  • Baptists and Catholics at a Party

    Do you know how to keep a Baptist from drinking all your beer at a party?
    Invite two Baptists.

    Do you know how to stop a Catholic from drinking all your beer at a party?
    Neither do I.

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  • Sister Sally and the Gin

    Sister Sally goes into the liquor store and asks for a pint of gin.

    The clerk is taken aback. “Sister. What are you doing buying such a thing?”

    “It’s okay,” replied Sister Sally. “It’s for the Mother Superior’s constipation.”

    “Oh well then that’s okay.” And he sells her the gin.

    After he closes up shop, he’s walking home and sees Sister Sally on the park bench absolutely blotto, just sloppy and singing bawdy songs and making a spectacle of herself.

    “Sister!” he cried. “I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”

    “It is,” replied the Sister. “When she sees me like this she’s gonna shit!”

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  • Kids Eat Free Steak And Bud Light

    Kids Eat Free Steak And Bud Light