The police pulled me over last night and said, “Sir, do you realize how badly your car was swerving between lanes?”
I said, “I’ve had eight drinks, officer.”
The officer replied, “Sir, that’s no excuse to let your wife drive.”
Topic: alcohol
Drinking jokes, bar memes, hangover disasters, and booze-powered bad ideas from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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The Frat Bro and the Nuns
Two frat bros are walking along when they see a group of nuns walking up the opposite side of the street.
After a little bit of a ruckus, one of the young men runs across the road and approaches the nuns.
“Excuse me, are you the head nun?” he asks the lead nun sheepishly.
“Yes, my son. I am the Mother Superior of the convent. What can I do for you?” she replies with a curious grin.
“Well ma’am, I have a strange question. But, umm, are any of your nuns midgets?” he spits out. Seeing her shocked face, he continues. “You know, maybe a dwarf, pygmy, something like that?”
“My son,” she calmly states, “we would welcome anyone into our convent, regardless of stature. But no, we currently have no sisters that are little people.”
And with that the frat bro turns to his buddy, who is still on the other side of the road, and hollers, “Hey Gary, I told you ya fucked a penguin last night!”
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Quit While He Was a Head
A baby is born but he doesn’t have a body.
He’s only a head. They called him Steven. Steven was a happy child and he lived as normal a life as you could under those circumstances. Finally when he reached 21 his dad said, “Come on son we’re going to have a drink to celebrate your birthday.”
He put the head on the counter and he ordered two pints of Guinness. He said cheers and he poured a sip into his son’s mouth. To everyone’s surprise, a neck and shoulders popped out like balloons. With tears of joy, the dad gave him another sip, and pop! Two arms came out of the shoulders! The dad gave him a third sip, and pop! He grew a torso! And he gave him a fourth sip and pop! He grew legs! They had to get out of there to get him some clothes because he never had any before. His dad helped him to the door because he was unsteady on his feet because they were new and because of the drink.
He stumbled into the street and got hit by a car, instantly killing him.
The bartender said, “Poor guy. He should have quit while he was a head.”
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Sister Sally and the Gin
Sister Sally goes into the liquor store and asks for a pint of gin.
The clerk is taken aback. “Sister. What are you doing buying such a thing?”
“It’s okay,” replied Sister Sally. “It’s for the Mother Superior’s constipation.”
“Oh well then that’s okay.” And he sells her the gin.
After he closes up shop, he’s walking home and sees Sister Sally on the park bench absolutely blotto, just sloppy and singing bawdy songs and making a spectacle of herself.
“Sister!” he cried. “I thought you said the gin was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”
“It is,” replied the Sister. “When she sees me like this she’s gonna shit!”
