Topic: alcohol

Drinking jokes, bar memes, hangover disasters, and booze-powered bad ideas from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • A Fifteen Please

    A redhead walks into a bar. She walks up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a RW, please.”

    The bartender says, “What’s a RW, might I inquire?”

    “Red Wine, Duh!”

    The bartender serves her her drink. A brunette walks into the bar. “I’d like a WW, please.”

    “A WW is… what?”

    “White Wine, Duh!”

    Bartender serves her drink. In walks a blonde. “I’d like a Fifteen, please.”

    “What the HELL is a fifteen?”

    “Seven and seven, Duh!”

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  • Ralph the Alligator

    A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says “Sorry sir. You can’t bring that alligator in here! It’s a dangerous animal, and you’re scaring all of the patrons!”

    True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. “But wait!” he cried, “this alligator is tame! It wouldn’t hurt anyone!”.

    However, the bartender is adamant.

    “If”, the man continues, “I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?”.

    “Well, I guess so”, says the bartender, “however, you’re going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!”

    The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. “Ralph!”, he shouts, “Sit up!”

    With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist “BANG BANG BANG”. And the alligator rears up on its tail.

    “Ralph, open your mouth!” BANG BANG BANG… And the alligator opened its huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.

    The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligator’s mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps.

    “Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON’T BITE!” BANG BANG BANG… As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowly closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guy’s dick off.

    The crowd sighs, and the man says “Ralph, open your mouth!” BANG BANG BANG! and the alligator’s mouth opens wide again.

    “There,” says the man to the crowd, “now would anyone else like to try this?”

    A blonde in the back says “Yeah, I’ll try, but only if you promise not to hit me on the head so hard.”

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  • The Top 16 Election Day Cocktails

    The Top 16 Election Day Cocktails

    16. Mudslinger

    15. Non-Consensual Sex on the Beach

    14. Pina Clintada: coconut, pineapple, and $250K for access to the bartender

    13. Orange Whine Cooler

    12. The Jill Beer Stein: a “germ”-in beer stein filled with penicillin

    11. Slow Uncomfortable Grope Against the Wall

    10. Mai-Tais to Wall Street

    9. The Greatest: just toilet water, but believe me, everyone is saying it will be beautiful, the best cocktail you ever tasted

    8. BenghaZima

    7. The Gary Johnson: you’ll forget your troubles, foreign leaders, war zones…

    6. Margarita (that Mexico will pay for!)

    5. The Campaign Promise: an empty glass

    4. White Russian Who Got a Meeting With the Secretary of State Because He Contributed to Her Foundation

    3. Bloody Megyn

    2. Screwedover: orange juice with lots of bitters

    And the Number One Election Day Cocktail…

    1. Pervy Wallbuilder

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  • Jesus Doesn’t Drink

    Why doesn’t Jesus drink?

    Because the last time he got hammered, it took him 3 days to recover.

  • You Forgot Your Wheelchair

    A guy is having some drinks in a bar. He is having a good time so he keeps the beers coming. At some point he realizes it is getting late and the missus might get angry for him being drunk. So he wants to get off his bar stool to go home but falls flat on his face. He climbs back up, orders a coffee to sober up a little and waits 5 minutes before he tries to go home again. But, again he falls down. He must be pretty drunk. But he does not want to get in any more trouble so he crawls home. Silently undresses and slips into bed. The wife does not notice so he is happy he got away with this.

    However, the next morning his wife starts yelling at him and is extremely pissed. “You were drinking again and got very drunk!” He asks why she thinks that.

    “The bartender called — you forgot your wheelchair!”

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  • Mine Does

    Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Anne get drunk in a bar and end up shagging a couple of rednecks in the car park.

    Halfway through, Sister Anne repents and shouts, “Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what he does,” to which Sister Mary replies, “Mine does”.

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  • Hey Yall Hold My Beer and Watch This

    The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto maker for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

    They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh, S—!”

    Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, “Hey Y’all, hold my beer and watch this!”

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  • One at a Time Boys

    During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her.

    Groggily, she raised her head and said, “One at a time, boys…..one at a time.”

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  • Professor Who Changed My Whole Life

    In college, I took a class from a professor who changed my whole life. I can’t really remember what his name was, or what the class was, or even which college it was, but I found that if you sit behind a really tall guy and kind of slouch down in your chair you can drink Scotch right from the bottle and not get caught.

  • Molotov Was a Beer Drinker

    I’ve got ten dollars that says Molotov was a beer drinker.