Still smells fresh
Tide
Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.
Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next.”
So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
A rich donor is given a tour of the new hospital wing named after her.
The tour guide shows her all the wonderful people she’s helped, the staff they hired, and the medical equipment her philanthropy helped fund. As they tour one of the bottom floors, they come to a room where a man is furiously masturbating. The rich donor is appalled and wants to cut the tour short.
The tour guide says, “Ma’am, you don’t understand. This man has a very rare condition. If he doesn’t ejaculate every hour or so, poisons will accumulate in his blood and he’ll die soon after.”
Relieved by the explanation, the rich donor decides to continue the tour. She’s shown the cancer ward, obstetrics, the highly advanced surgical ward, and finally the top floor that houses the sickest patients. As the tourists pass a room, the donor notices a patient receiving a blowjob from a nurse. Again, she is appalled and wants to end the tour.
The tour guide says, “Remember down on the first floor with the guy masturbating?”
She replies, “How could I forget?”
The tour guide says, “Well, this man has the same condition, only much better insurance.”
I’m hosting an autopsy club meeting tonight!
It’s “Open Mike Night”!
A constipated man goes to the pharmacy for laxatives.
Man: “One box of laxatives, please?”
Pharmacist: “I’m sorry. We’re all out of stock.”
Man: “What, again?! How does this keep happening?! I’m desperate for some relief!”
Pharmacist: “Well, that’s tough shit, I’m afraid.”
Why don’t dinosaurs make good pets?
Because they’re dead.
Well, the test results are back, and it turns out you *can* get a disease from a toilet seat — especially if you have sex with a heroin-addicted hooker on it.
(Jilly G.) It finally dawned on me that I had a sex addiction when I found myself asking the pharmacist what I could use to treat penis calluses.
The problem with being a scat freak with a cold is that nobody knows what to think when you tell them you feel like fucking shit.